Post D-Day

I'm not sure what to think right now.. I totally forgot about it the day of but it hit me today. And I'm not sure what I feel like right now.. I just miss my best friend right now. This is one of those times when I'd call her up and we'd head over to coffee and talk for hours and she'd always know just what to say. 

Double post because I can

Instead of waiting to process all this then make one blog post, I just have a lot to say and it's slowly but surely working it's way in my head. 

I have guaranteed admission at the U as long as I get a 2.3 gpa. Which after a traumatic last semester is going to be hard but doable. Fingers crossed. 

It's a lot of money to go to a real university. Almost twice as much as UVU.

I feel sort of like a little brat fish at UVU. Kind of like "get out of my way. I've been here for years and I'm over it" but at the U I feel like an itty bitty fish in this huge tank full of graduate students. Kinda like the goldfish at Walmart. There are so many and you blink and never see the same one again. But really everyone that I'm going to class with is undergrad but I'm still intimidated. 

Plans always change. At UVU I'm a political sciene major with an emphasis in international relations and a minor in Spanish. At the U I'd be an international politics major, international studies major AND Spanish minor. Well that's a mouthful. But for a few extra classes I guess it's worth double majoring right? 

Goodbye Utah county

You know you're in Utah county when... 1. you walk down the halls of a university and there are at least 15 people wearing BYU shirts (and you aren't even on BYU campus) 

2. The guy covered in tattoos is getting started at down the hall.

3. Wedding rings left and right. 

You know you've left Utah county when...

1. There are people smoking on campus 

2. High waisted pants, short skirts and high knee socks are the norm

3. The hallways smell like coffee 

4. Hairy men left and right. 

I think I just might love the salty city

so much

it's amazing how much there can be in 3 pages of paper. 

my patriarchal blessing is 3 pages long and when i stumble across it from time to time i read it and i bawl. every.single.time. 

when i'm in an insecure place in life, it always reminds me that there is someone that loves me and knows who i am. there are things in there that are INCREDIBLE. there is no doubt in my mind that my blessing is mine. and no one elses. i haven't let anyone ever read any part of it.. i've shared itty bitty pieces with one of my best friends and that's it. i don't cry too often when i read or watch movies, but this gets me every single time and i love it.. someday i might just share it a little bit more.. 

come what may and love it.

i still don't think i'm quite ready to say that it's all true, but i do love it.. 

Too much too soon

Sometime s I have way too much time on my hands and I start thinking of all the possible things that could go wrong with everything that's up in the air for next year. 

What happened if I don't get into either school..? What then? My entire life literally over and  then  I lose it all...what next? When these sort of things start creeping into my head I can't help but get this knot in my stomach and my throat gets all tight and then I realize no one gets to luck out of "that feeling" when  applying to school. I guess I did last year but that's not where I want to be so I guess it's my turn now. Now I apply and hopelessly wait and break out because that's what happenes when I stress. 

leave me here to die.

i guess it's my fault. 

i did wait until the last minute to figure out my assignment due tomorrow at 8 am. but i figured the last one wasn't too hard and i didn't get slaughtered too badly that it'd be okay. 

boy oh boy. 

two pages (which is really just a single spaced page. thank god for double spacing) on East Timor and the UN involvement. 

 you say Timor, i think Lion King

when really it's a country. 

i just wanna sleep and be left alone really. 

so consider this my apology if i was rude to anyone today or if i seemed short and interested. i'm just stressed and grouchy. 

cleansing.

there is something really comforting about opening up a sparring bag and smelling your gear for the first time in months. it's a little like plastic and sweat and home...

sparring is home. 

i went back today to my old studio and sparred for the first time in months and boy oh boy was it good to be back. those were the longest 3 minutes of my life. 

but... it felt a little weird too. sort of like i had outgrown the place. it was comforting but i just didn't fit in like i once did. it's was pleasant validation that quitting was the right thing to do.

taekwondo did so much for me and it will forever have a special place in my heart, but it's okay to move on and not have everything figured out. it's okay to outgrow dreams and make new ones. 

like woah

it's super easy to get all excited for the future and talk about all the plans you have. from the color of the walls in the bathroom to the giant rug you want to have in the living room. but then you look at your planner and it all hits you so hard you feel like throwing up.
-midterms are next week. which means HALF of the semester is over.
-8 weeks until FINALS. which i need to ace because i'm applying to not one, but TWO schools to judge my academic excellence thus far.
-the admissions process all over again. being at home for these past two years really retarded me. I was heart broken when I didn't get into BYU, but I had a back up plan. I knew I was going to school in the fall. Come next fall, i'm in limbo. Either I go to the U in salt lake (which has literally been my dream since I was 6. I kid you not.) or I go to Logan. and the scary thing is, the more research I do with regards to USU...the more I fall in like with it. And i just don't want to. my dream is salt lake. NOT logan. but what if i'm a better fit in Logan...?
All these awful, gut wrenching questions are starting to bubble up and I feel like throwing up. but i suppose all great adventures start like this no?

that time of day

there comes a time in every semester when you wonder how you'll survive. everything seems like it's piling up on you (and it really is) but you just aren't sure you'll live until midnight the following monday when everything is finally due. 

when that time arrives, you're left in this woe of homework and distractions galore. Devious Maids marathons and the new pandora update just get a lot more interesting. then the cleaning bug bites and before you know it, you're entire room is torn up and there are sacks and sacks of old papers and clothes that I no longer feel like I need. but in all honestly i'll prolly be wishing I had that "one shirt that's a little too short and has a hole because it was cute with that one skirt i wore once"

case study? check

math homework? check 

math test? check 

research paper? working..

ethics paper? you're kidding right?

don't even ask about my reading. blah. 

one of these days i'll catch up on blogging. 

and sleeping. 

because blurry pictures and curls are so hipster. here's to day 3 without washing my hair.

done and done.

hi..my  name is Ali and I cater weddings and I love it. 

I get to plate food and judge people's weddings and eat all the over-frosted chocolate cake i could ever want. it's really kinda great. 

everyone I've worked with so far has been really super nice and the job itself isn't hard. it's a lot of down time and a lot of travel time too. but I get paid for that so it's really okay. the other day we did a wedding in Richfield. Taytater said it was up north so I really was sorta excited. turns out it was 2 hours down south. lemme tell you, anything past springville is gross. and ugly and there are more cows and sheep than people. and all the church buildings are generic copies of each other. everyone was so rude and kept walking through the kitchen and coming in and complaining that they were in dire need of knifes and that the lemonade wasn't strong enough. can you say totally rude??

the reception the night before was totally different. everyone kept talking to us and saying how amazing everything looked and they even did half the bussing when we were cleaning up. 

I almost expect people from so far down south to have these ghetto, nasty, camo wedding dress weddings but then I realize that they're spending around 2-3 thousand dollars on food alone... it's prolly a pretty nice wedding. and so far they have been. this week i'm catering 3 all in orem at Sleepy Ridge. i sort of have high hopes for those. i'll let you know how it goes. 

and today!! i work at sweeto burrito!!:) it's a food truck, and normally I hate food jobs but everyone so far seems super nice. i kinda dig it. hopefully they're willing to work around my catering schedule. if not, then i'm totally going to a summer camp to make monies. but lets keep 'em fingers crossed!! 

here's to a new beginning

yesterday I was laid off, and today i have an interview. 

holler. it's a hosting gig at station 22 but hey, an interview is an interview right? i've applied to jobs all day today and most of yesterday. I sort of knew it was coming. 

yesterday i also signed on my car with a newer, lower interest rate! and my car payment went down by 70 bucks! when you're unemployed, that's a lot and luckily i saved a car payment before i got laid off. 

it's a little funny how things work. fingers crossed that I get a well paying job soon!

so there's lots.

my lover/best friend has been gone for almost a month and in a weird way, i feel like we're closer than ever really. we're both making mutual efforts to stay in each other's lives and it's great. i love having someone always there who i can call when i'm upset about people raining on my parade. a whole ocean has nothing on this dynamic duo. oh and for spring break, guess who's heading to the island?!?! :) holla!

school has officially started. 

my math class so far has been going great. my teacher is a developmental math teacher, so really she's  used to teaching dumb kids. and i love it because when it comes to math, i end up on the silent floor of the library during finals week sobbing on my table (true story).

international relations seems like it's going to be a toughie but Sonya is going to love me. the first day went like this..

Sonya: "You are all COLLEGE SENIORS. I expect collegiate level work and will accept nothing less. If you're missing a comma, you'll get docked. If you're missing a period, you'll get docked. If your header is half your page and you have the audacity to count that towards your two-page paper, YOU WILL BE DOCKED. You are all going to be looking for jobs and grad schools in the near future so I expect you to write like so."

and all i'm thinking is "oh shit.. um.. some of us, well maybe just me, want to transfer just for UNDERGRAD. no one said ANYTHING about grad school...that's why you get married...(hahahaha totes kidding) oh shit. " 

I feel like she's going to the the Drachulich of my college experience. Mrs. D was my sophomore  english honors teacher and her class was SO HARD. i"m pretty confident is saying it was the hardest class I took at MV. but to this day, i love it. I feel like i took SO much from it that I got from no other teacher. I feel like Sonya Conrad will be in the same boat. 

International Terrorism. the book is a hard read. i'm already a chapter behind and we have like book report tests. So there's no bullshitting this one. i made a friend in that class. i think she's like 50. but hey, a friend is a friend. 

ethics is good. the reads there are a lot like my philosophy class last year. long and dry. but my professor is really animated so that keeps things lively. 

work is work and my days are so long with work and school. i get up at 5:45 and i don't get home until 9. thankfully that's only on monday and wednesday's. my tuesday and thursdays are a lot more relaxed and my fridays are weird. 

tayter and i went on a double (it's like we have real friends!!!) with sierra stoppa and spencer vogel TO THE ZOOOOOOOO. SO MUCH FUN. I just LOVE the zoo!!! it's an awful place though, wild aminals locked up for my enjoyment?? sad,but i'll take it in case i never make it to africa to see a wild lion or a giraffe. the zoo is the next best thing:) and i love it. for dinner we went to street tacos! the ones where you think you might get like swine flu from going to, but here we are! a week later and healthy as can be! they weren't bad either!
i like to think that the boy and I are sort of like rock stars. I mean we made it through an entire summer of working literally opposite schedules, football season, a school year with him working, and now we're taking on a school year with both of us working. so far so good! i knew he was a keeper.

here's to good grades, acceptance letters, and chai!

sweet victories.

and the first day of my last year at UVU begins in a few hours.
there is no way in hell that i'm really a SOPHOMORE in freaking COLLEGE. friend applications are now being accepted. this is so crazy. UVU is sort of like my own personal hell. i hate it there but there's something so exciting about almost being done.

• i have to have a meeting with my major advisor at the U this semester
• i apply for GRADUATION on the 5th of October 
• i apply for ADMISSIONS in January (possibly housing too) 
• i hear back by may
• then i cry. tears of excitement.  no other option. 

it's all coming together so nicely i cannot wait to see what's coming up next.

i feel as if i am finally at peace with myself. with most aspects of my life.
religion wise, i'm still quite not sure the mormon church is where i am meant to be. i know there's something out there that's much bigger than i am, whether that be God or the universe i acknowledge it. i know prayer is real. and whatever out there hears and loves me.

" Some say that heaven's far away..but I feel it close around me as I pray." 

we not me..

i went car shopping today. 

and i'm excited to be driving this new baby around..

i guess it's really not a baby. it's a mini SUV. but when i saw it, i sort of fell in love. i feel a little taken advantage of because it's not what i had my heart set on, or what i intended on spending either. i realistically wanted to stay under $7500. they had a red beetle that was $6500 but it wasn't in the lot. they made me feel like they were really listening to me and like he really wanted to sell me something i would love. and i mean i do love this car but i am missing petunia already.. a lot actually. but now, i'm $10,000.00 in debt.. and somehow have to try and save a total of $2500.00 for the big move to salt lake in a year. 

when i went into the dealership i guess i was only thinking of myself. i wanted this car. because i drive around a junker that doesn't start. i need this...

and even though i'm in love with this, was it really worth going to bed angry for? not really... 

oh wait..

sometimes when i read other blogs and they're all sappy and oooey-gooey the judgey side of me rears it's ugly face and thinks "puuuhleeease. your future? you JUST graduated. you're future is getting a crappy part-time and getting smacked in the face with the harsh realities of finals week"  but then in a split second i remember "oh wait.. i've had that talk and made those plans.." and my heart can't help but ache for this sweet girl. i feel so lucky in a way because i'm home. i'm close to one of the most important people in my life right now. we don't have to play long distance and i love it.

come what may and love it right?

mrs.

i always swore i would never ever be that girl who was crazy excited to get married. of course I would be once it came around, once I got that Tiffany's rock on my finger but not before then. even if that meant waiting years and years for him to come around, i'd be okay with that. but the more I think about it, the more I open my mind, the more and more excited I get for a wedding that isn't even in the works. the thought of waking up every single morning to the person you love sounds amazing. maybe it's just the utah county girl in me but i can't wait. or maybe it's because pinterest is full of wedding dresses and this sorta stuff, i can't help to be so excited to someday be a mrs. and then again it might be my enraged ovaries blogging here.

because i'm creepy and love it. 

whirl wind

powell was great. 

i now look like an orphan that could be adopted for two dollars a day. 

for not having the dynamic duo of jason and jackie, we fended for ourselves pretty well. the night that stands out the most was wednesday night. costa for dinner night. hay hay and muggs were on the boat, the kitchen was the cool place to hang out at, and 12 inch whispers went out the window. it gave me a sneak peak into what married with children life would be like. over all, it was a hell of away to start the end of summer. a week with the best bitches out there? yes please. 

my best friend leaves in 8 days... 

i feel weird about it..i think it's really starting to hit me. i cannot tell you how many times i've gone to send a butt face snapchat to kels and then go "wait..she's gone..." and now britt's leaving., 

 classes start in 3 weeks and 6 days. i accepted my scholarship and have to take my letter in to "Formally Accept" it. the tuition deadline is in 15 days. lets hope i don't get screwed. i also need clothes...and a car...and books...sigh

i got home from powell close to 10 pm, and guess who was at my door not even half hour after? the boy:) whenever i leave, i leave to places where i have no service so i can't talk to him for a week at a time. when he leaves, he goes to civilized places where we still talk. it was sort of the best thing ever when i opened my door and there he was. i was officially home. 

i got an email from Elder Snow,  a letter from Hermana Carlson and i'm still meaning to write Mark and Meg.. 

life just keeps on commin and some days i just want to curl up in a ball and sleep..

i don't leave because there's a 14 year old who wakes up crying asking if it'll all be okay.

i only respect you because you raised me. not because you deserve it. 

this isn't supposed to happen this way. they did everything right and yet it's falling apart.

and there's nothing i can do except watch helplessly. 

because it's summer.

when summer comes along...

1. people decide to go on missions. 

like kelsey. one of my best friends since the 7th grade when we were both awkward and weird. Now after years of running cross, we're grown up and still really awkward and prolly even more weird.
 

we like to pretend that we got normal.

lies. it 's all a lie. 

2. it was the 4th of july! and why the heck to we even call it the fourth?? it's not like we call christmas the 25th of december. Ya dig??? anyways, me britt jade and shayla went and played on the parade route. it was hot and sticky all night. but it was an adventure for sure. then on the actual day, tay came over after i got off work and we watched hunger games! then he brushed my hairs, and i tried to get ready then we got food and watched fireworks with his fam bam. and my pal Krew was there. he's the only baby who's still cute when he's sticky...which is often.

3. I'm making efforts to refriend my old friends. 

 4. i'm being a savy shopper and going to 4th of july sales because i'm poor.. 

5. i went tubing down provo river with these cool cats!

it was most definitely one hell of an adventure.

it was 100 degrees when we got there. 

it was a hurricane when we got off the river half way through. 

shaunie and i thought we were going to die. 

                                                                                                                                             

summer 2013

things to do this summer: 

{GOALS}

{} save $700.00 this summer NOT including books 

{} go to lake powell 

{} eat out only once a week 

{} hit the gym at least 4 times a week 

{} blog more often 

{} make a budget and keep it

{} keep petunia clean 

{} buy new clothes 

{} get eyelashes 

{} write all my missionaries
[ellie eyestone, megan runnells, kelsey carlson, mark dawson, and austin snow] 

{} run a race 

{} go camping

{} movie up the canyon 

{} learn to make dinner 

{} refriend my old friends
{} go to kelsey's farewell
{} donate plasma
{} hike once a week
{} run to bums beach
{} seriously look into a car loan
{} keep my room clean
{} redecorate my room
{} go to a summer concert
{} take biotin every day
{} no soda for the rest of summer
{} learn to make spoon rings
{} take pictures
{} try a new snow cone place
{} go to sunday silly
{} avoid [more] exhaust burns

let me ask you something..

I want you to tell me about every person you've ever been in love with. Tell me why you loved them, then tell me why they loved you. Tell me about a day in your life you didn't think you'd live through. Tell me what the word "home" means to you and tell me in  a way that i'll know your mother's name just by the way you describe your bedroom when you were eight. See, I wanna know the first time you felt the weight of hate and if that day still trembles beneath your bones. Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain or bounce in bellies of snow? And if you were to build a snowman, would you rip two branches from a tree to build your snowman arms? Or would you leave the snowman armless for the sake of being harmless to the tree? An if you would, would you notice how the tree weeps for you because your snowman has no arms to hug you every time you kiss him on the cheek? Do you kiss your friends on the cheek? Do you sleep beside them when they're sad, even if it makes your lover mad? Do you think anger is a sincere emotion of just the timid of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain? See, I wanna know what you think of your first name. And if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mother's joy when she spoke it for the first time. I want you to tell me all the ways you've been unkind. Tell me all the ways you're cruel. See I wanna know more than what you do for a living. I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving. And if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes. I wanna know if you bleed sometimes through other people's wounds. 

welcome back

i've got this boy. and he's great. 

he's so great that when we play, it's just us two. 

we're not actively trying to impress one another, we flow. 

it's raw and real and i wouldn't change a thing.

it's comfortable. it's home.

a few weeks ago this boy came up to me at the gym. he was nice and asked for my phone number. so i naturally tried to sneak out before i gave it to him because sometimes i'm THAT girl. the girl who won't tell you she isn't interested up front because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. he caught me at my car and my phone number he got. 

today he asked me to go to dinner. after i had told him i was dating someone else. yogurt and coffee is okay, dinner i feel obligated to sit next to you and possibly be forced into holding your hand. no thank you. so we opted for yogurtland and the best friend came along. 

had it not been for her, we would have sat there in awkward silence. we have nothing in common. and it might be the boy's fault. i've gotten so comfortable with him, i forgot a little how you're supposed to act with normal boys..

all in all, he forgot his wallet, i had mine.

we had nothing in common, 

he's a fair weather Utah fan, 

and wears football jerseys during off season.  

i could not be more happy with my very own boy. this confirmed that  i picked a winner. 

i think this is what it's like.

the boy came over after being gone all weekend and offered to make me dinner. we ventured off to the grocery store and found food and came back and ate on the porch. it was precious. after dinner we hung out and then he even helped me wash dishes. 

if that's what it's like to be married, i cannot wait. 

(even though it's totally weird right now.) 

everything but the kitchen sink.

1. i got my wisdom teeth out last week exactly. 

i was sort of nervous going in. when they called me back i went alone, my mom offered to come with but i was fairly certain i'd be okay alone. but luckily she came back and just sat in the corner until they put me out. they gave me laughing gas and the first dose in my iv and i was out. when i woke up i remember asking my mom if my tongue was still there, she said no. i cried. then i told my mom it didn't even hurt getting my iv in, she told me they took all my front teeth out. i cried some more. then i came home and slept lots, then taylor came over and it gets kinda fuzzy there. basically it was a weekend full of cuddling, popsicles and movies.

2. the very next day was mine and tay's ANNIVERSARY. whaaaa??? true story. a whole year with the best boy out there. he came over with a giant box. inside i found this lovely number.

it's a photo album of the past year. there aren't tons of pictures in there but we are too caught up in having a blast than picture taking. but we are doing better!:) i cried a little. and a little more when i looked through it alone...

wait. there was more. 

a big, orange box full of sexy.   

the sickest pair of nike frees. boyfriend of the year? i think so. 

we went to the host after and then the waffle truck. then we came home and  fell asleep for a little. perfect day with the perfect boy. 

3. a few days later i went and spent money. lots of it. 

i got tay a really sick pair of sunglasses, a maxi, super cute knuckle rings you find on pinterest, an awesome pair of leggings, and the best face wash out there. i am officially a LUSH cosmetics fan. my pores have never been cleaner or smaller. thankfully, my skin is darker so i can sorta hide stuff a little more but if you really look, you'll see. but now i dare you to try to find my pores. i dare you. 

au natural

no makeup. no nothin! i feel like a real girl now that i've discovered the true importance of toner. here's to summery, flawless skin!

4. today, taylor came over to look at my car because he's a doll and petunia has been having issues. #prayforpetunia lets hope she can make it. then because i'm a fat kid, i asked to go to lunch. guess where we ended up. CAFE RIO! clearly, my boyfriend is grand. it was packed so we called in our order and ventured off to savers to find a clock for his cabin. but i found this little beauty..

meet our newest addition to the taylor and ali collection. a legit ONESTEP Polariod camera. how sick??? i was in love. and for only 5 bucks? yes please. we had to get back around like one ish. somehow we got home with cafe rio, a clock, a camera, a leather jacket, purse and backpack all on a bike. oh, we also had drinks. it was quite the adventure. 

also, taylor's bike rocks my socks off. i kinda love the whole lover with a bike thing. 

i win. no really, i really win.

i walked into my seminary class the first day of senior year and did the usual scope. i was a little disappointed in  the lack of senior boys.. or seniors for that matter. it was full of sophomores. i'm pretty sure i checked the roll about 7 times to be absolutely positive i was in that class. i was. 

so i sat in the back, and rarely talked. i didn't care. i was over it all. i just needed to graduate from seminary and move on with my life. little did i know that there was some sophomore i'd fall head over heels for. 

first semester goes by and nothing really happened. he was this chirpy sophomore who would ALWAYS raise his hand and offer to do the devotional in seminary and i  sat in the back, when i would go. 

the semester ends and i decide that it would be a great idea to take the AP spanish test. half way through the year. eh why not? my counselor made it sound like it was going to be impossible to get into that spanish class that late into the year, but i knew i was in. no prob. but with a spanish class, i needed to switch my seminary class. so i showed up to my seminary class and there he was again. the same sophomore. i walked into spanish and hello, there he was AGAIN. this kid was everywhere. aaaaand it didn't hurt that he was super cute. 

it didn't take long before we started being nice to each other. but being the bad ass senior girl, i never really went to class. mostly because i knew i could get away with literally anything i wanted that year. so i never went. it took even less time before he started to call me out on it. eventually, we started talking a lot more. like all day. until 10:30. and i was never quite sure why, i just assumed sophomores had their bed times.

the rest is really history. he saved me from a million golf fish, kissed my forehead, and held my hand. and here we are, a little over a year and i'm still convinced i won the boyfriend lottery. 

it's not fair.

all i want is for them to look at me and say 

"hey kid. you aren't as worthless as we thought. you're a decent person."

that's all i really want from them. their unconditional love and support. 

i want to be accepted as my own person with my own life to lead. 

not be constantly rejected by the people who are supposed to cheer me on. 

they'll never see this.. and i guess that means they'll never really know anything. i just want them to tell me they love me.

we are NOT friends.

most people can go over to the neighbors house and borrow a cup of milk. 

heck, i was at taylor's one day when the neighbor kids came over with arm fulls of grocieries. 

i don't dare ask my neighbor for ANYTHING. she's sort of this bitter, angry monstrosity of evil in a 110 pound woman. POST PREGNANCY.  you would think so much negative energy would kill such a small person, and you'd also think that she'd have ugly kids because she's such a monster. but no, her kids are cute as heck. maybe it's kitty cat corner neighbors that are horrid because our real neighbor is a peach. he keeps to himself and it's great. but this lady is awful. i have a certain parking spot on the west side of the covered spots. it stays shaded a little longer and when AC isn't a luxury i have, the longer my car can stay out of the sun, the better. but the thing is i live on the east side of the spots. so yesterday when i pulled in, she glared me down, poked her head around the corner to check if the other spots were taken and then glared again. and the first thing i wanted to say went something along the lines of "um, excuse me? do you own the UNCOVERED parking spots? no? i didn't think so." then i thought of maybe killing her with kindness and smiling whenever she looks at me, but i hate her. 

simply said, we are NOT friends. nor will i ever try to be. 

and my down stairs neighbor is also crazy. she's this morbidly obese woman who can't make it to her car without a walker. she also drives to the trash can. the way i like to clean my house is by singing ridiculously off pitch to loud music, shaking my butt and dancing around in my sports bra. this ritual doesn't start until like 12. and guess who called MY MOTHER to complain about it all.. my lovely neighbor. she can't sleep due to my inconsiderate music levels. it's noon...? i don't hate this woman, but i am sort of angry.

i cannot wait to move and get away from skinny monster face and down stairs neighbor.

my mother.

my momma is the best one out there. 

no really, i promise. 

we don't always get along, hell, when we fight run for cover. 

but somehow through it all, she has always remained in my corner.

she loves me unconditionally and has always put her children first. 

always, before her own happiness even.

sometimes i don't understand the method to her madness, but the older i've gotten the more i understand. i hope to be half as good of a mom as her one day. she is simply amazing my mommy is.

i love her loads.

woops.

i made him mad yesterday. 

he made me cry. 

it was all unintentional but it still happened. 

we exchanged "i'm sorry"s and all was well.

we never ever fight. when we disagree, we just agree to disagree. sometimes i wonder if it's all too good to be true. but then this happens and it's just sort of like life saying "it's great and all but it's NOT as perfect as you think it is. you're both normal people who will say things you don't mean, but it's okay. you're both okay.  so clean your face up and tell him you love him because even though you're crying because he was mean, you're still crying because he apologized and fixed it right then and there."

not much..

whenever he leaves and i hear his bike rumble down my street, i can't help but smile and think "that's mine" and love every second of it. 

i finally found a good one. 

super duper

i always swore i'd never be a super senior. i was ready to kill myself before i would go back but then this boy came along...

and the rest is history.

thanks to this wonderful gent for an AMAZING night. it most def topped my senior prom. 

finals

taylor stole my passwords for the week and guess who finished all her work??

this one. 

guess who lost all interest in facebook...

this one...

during finals week, i just wanna hit all the girls who get ready in the morning and i think that starbucks should have a loyalty program that gives out free coffee to students on finals week. 

i also just finished my math final. in 40 minutes..

i feel sick. 

the end. 

i have a home.

i took  a polysci class this semester. and i love it. it's just so interesting and i understand it. and coming from a math class that makes you cry, poly sci is the hug you need. weird right?

a month ago i met with my mentor and i mentioned that how not happy i was with my biology home, and how much i loved my poly sci class. so she told me to go meet with an advisor and figure if it's something i really want to do. i'm meeting with Michelle tomorrow. so true to my slacker roots, i met with a poly sci advisor today. and lemme tell you. i fell in love.

i have a home. i'm not a biology weirdo, i'm a poly sci weirdo. 

i only declared a poly sci associates but still. i am in love. maybe i'll be a biology minor. but she mentioned that for my senior year i can do an internship worth 10 freaking credits in freaking WASHINGTON DC. 

and i can literally get any job i want because a poly sci major is almost like a wild card.

phew. i have a home i love. 

i feel like this is what i needed to get me motivated. i have something to look forward to other than bugs and darwin. 

the next big battle is going to be telling my parents.. My cousin in a poly sci major and when my dad found out, he ripped her a new one. so lets hope he's moved on because i love this already. 

also, for my english final, i can make it into a blog!:) YES. 

then...I GOT A RAISE AT WORK!!!!:) 

also, i promised tay i wouldn't blog but i NEEDED to share.

i have a home:) 

blah

i feel like people either love high school or hate it. there's no middle ground. if you loved high school, you are almost guaranteed to love college. and if you hated it, you are guaranteed to love college more. 

i loved high school. no doubt. best 3 years so far. it's not like i was super popular and had TONS of friends. in fact, i didn't like a lot of people in my class, but i had friends i saw every day. i felt like someone cared about what i was doing and where i was going. 

then you get here, and it's ANOTHER 4 FREAKING YEARS of HIGH SCHOOL. 

only without your friends who made it bearable. you're on your own almost. seriously. i park, walk to class, sit down, not say a word to anyone, then leave. every day. it's getting really old. i never figured that the people who were SO vital during those 3 years would be gone.

THEN the whole mission thing screwed me. since my boy friends (as in friends who are boys. i only have one boyfriend) are 19, they're outie. and now all my gal pals are outie too. guess who that leaves stranded? 

ding ding ding..this one..

i can't WAIT to get out of this stupid school..and move on. i feel suffocated and like no one quite gets it. for the most part, i can bear it, but i can't anymore. i am literally going to pull my hair out and look like cynthia from Rugrats. 

wanna know who gets me?

t-swift. only not really. only her chorus gets me. 

  

us vs. them

i feel like pinterest is FULL of quotes like "you don't chose who you love" blah blah blah. and i couldn't agree more. but no where in these pages upon pages do you find "except if you're gay. because if you're gay, you chose to love them and now we're denying you of all the rights married people get. because there is something wrong with you and you don't deserve them." at least i haven'f found anything like that.. 

it's kinda funny to think about. the pilgrims came here for religious freedom. is there a billboard somewhere that says "WELCOME to America! home of the free and Christians "? why are we forcing christian views on people who don't want them? so much for religious freedom? 

what in the world made us think this was okay? kim kardashian can get married and call it quits for 72 DAYS and that's okay but gays who've been in love for YEARS can't?

America is all about the freedoms we have. then why are we denying them to people because of who they love? that's not equality. if you're against the gays getting married then fine. no one is forcing YOU to do it. but get your nose out of other people's happiness. if marriage can be a "civil ceremony"  then it sure as hell better be a "civil RIGHT"  and anyone who thinks it's okay to discriminate against people over something they can't control, is an ignorant douche. 

mondays.

in this house the "i'm having a bad day" face means 

"ASK ME WHAT WENT WRONG. TELL ME EVERYTHING. STOP CRYING." 

it also gets translated into..

"HELP ME WITH EVERYTHINGGGGGGGG." 

and normally, helping with editing something isn't too bad, except when it's "help me open a word document. it's not on the computer." 

and the first thing that jumps into my mind is "you dumb fuh. yes it is. do you NOT go to school? the public school system can't be THAT bad. you're just an idiot." 

then when people start yelling at me, i lose it.. 

i wanna curl up and cry. if anyone needs me i'll be in bed. sulking in my tears. 

clarity.

"a few times in my life i've had moments of absolute clarity, when for a few brief seconds the silence drowns out the noise and i can feel rather than think, and things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh. I can never make these moments last  I cling to them, but like everything, they fade. I have lived my life on these moments. They pull me back to the present, an i realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be." 

the thought of absolute clarity is nice and refreshing. what's even better is feeling like i'm getting closer. not really knowing, just feeling that somehow it'll all work out. <3

when it strikes

you know that wall you hit right when you're well on your way to having a productive day? 

yeah..that's where i'm at. 

it's 5 and i went to my poly sci class, gave my one-weeks notice at work because... drum roll please.. i got me a new job!:) customer service baby. goodbye dishrags and tray jacks, and hello phones and offices. then i went to my oral surgeon. these 4 bad boys are gonna cost my parents about $615.80. but i'm worth it right? after that, i came back to UVU to meet with my mentor. she's a doll and her name is Michele. her son was nice too.. but now i'm waiting for an extra credit lecture. " Dr. Robert McMahon- Turning Point: The Vietnam's War's' Pivotal Year"

doesn't that just sound like a hoot? if you said yes, you lie like a rug. it sounds like a stuffy lecture from a PHD who prolly has his head up his butt. 

today i'm supposed to pound out all my PES homework. and it's taking a lot longer than i anticipated. so i should prolly get back to that. but my thoughts keep lingering back to dinner and what new foundation i should use, because this muck i'm using makes me feel oily and like someone dipped my face in an oil tub at McDonald's. ew.. 

floating.

i'm a little bit terrified because i know what i want to do and what i should do are two totally different things. 

each with it's own positive outcome. so that only makes things harder. 

i feel so burnt out to keep on going with what i want to do. yet, i feel so incapable of doing what i should do. 

and i'm scared to keep pondering about it because i feel like i already know my answer but i'm not ready to face it. i'm not actually sure i'll ever be ready to face it. 

simplicity at it's finest

sometimes the simple little things are the ones that make it so great. 

the other day taylor came and got me and we just went shopping. it was a typical day at the mall filled with dressing rooms and fashion advice. 

started off at lowes, then hobby lobby in search for a white board. new favorite store? i think yes. if only i was crafty. but black boards and cork boards make anyone look crafty right? so many ideas for my soon-to-come apartment:) 

we went to starbucks somewhere in that and we ended the day at target in search for fabric paint. 

we didn't do much but it was so fun at the same time. it's nice to know that we can do normal, simple things and just enjoy each other's company without any fluff. :)

sigh..

after i hit the gym with dear brittany, she kills me.

and i'm starving afterwards. and i feel very justified in wanting to eat all the grilled chicken and dressing cafe rio has, all the red velvet cupcakes i find, and all the strawberry sorbet walmart and target have. combined. 

then maybe wash it down with tea from starbucks because it's low-cal.. 

after our workout yesterday we hit up the cafe on the rio. (that's cafe rio for you not-hip people.. (as if i was any more hip..hah)) 

i ate my entire salad. 

and just when i was starting to feel  bad about throwing away my workout i looked around and what did i see?

fire fighters, cops, and millions of girls in lululemon and nike. so i ate happily. 

then today when i woke up and couldn't move my legs, i felt like eating just to spite my soreness.. 

but on the upside i had salad at Olive Garden..that counts for something right?

i'm faced with the dilemma of wanting to be a smokin hot wife someday or getting fat as soon as i get married because he claims to love me. i just don't know..

mostly, i'm just so sore peeing even hurts. i am so not okay. i promise i don't have food issues. 

synthesizing

i've been working on my synthesis paper all day. 

literally. 

with a few breaks though.. 

am i writing about obesity in children..?

sure am..

obesity in hispanic children specifically??

yes. 

did i just finish off an entire pint of peach sorbet in the process?

yea..what of it?

#foreverafatkid, #hopefullyhestilllovesme, #chubster 

also, flowers from walmart never die. but they smell like feet. 

i have this weird thing about watching heart wrenching youtube videos... 

here! lookit! i'm not sure if i cried because i think i'm all pmsy...or because i'm a baby...or it might be both.. 

when did the pursuit of happiness become a crime?

i guarantee you'll never see any of these kids interviewed on fox

11 year old american kid succinctly explains why our immigration laws and government are failing us

that last one killed me. it was awfully sad. 

here are more that i found...

childhood obesity is so sad... 

an 8 foot tall woman is destroying the entire music industry

i LOVED this one. it's was interesting

two abortion protesters 

this makes a good point.. why not put more emphasis on at-risk teens? or whichever group of women are seeking abortions. prevention is the best solution isn't it?

closets.

there are things that no on ever wants to revisit.
it's sort of like the skeleton in your closet. you know it's there, and a few others might too, but you want little to do with it. as much as you learned from it and as much as you grew from it, you almost wish it never would've happened.
curiosity truly did kill the cat. when that little voice says "hey, you're fine. reading this won't do anything.. you're already over it. NOTHING at this point can hurt you. you're over it." so...what did i do? i put myself back in November 4th and 5th. easily the hardest week emotionally, of my life.
why i did it? i dunno.. do i wish i didn't? sure did.
all it did was bring me back to the dark corner of my closet and break my insides up. again.
but really, what did i expect? warm fuzzies from something that broke me apart? it was rough and did nothing positive.

i just came to realize that it's okay. it happened. nothing is going to change the past. it sucks. but dwelling on those thoughts and feelings sucks. there is no need to go back there. especially when things are so much better now. 

shake what your momma gave you

crimson night. 

easily the funnest night of my college career thus far. 

a bajillion people on a dance floor, music blaring, and lights in your face. 

can it get any better? 

well sure. but we're in college and we don't care. 

i was finally able to go to my very first crimson night. the first time i was invited, i had to take the ACT the next morning..then i had something else and i almost had to work this one. buuut thank the lord someone covered my shift literally two hours before i had to go in. 

so it was off to frontrunner to journey up to salt lake. lemme tell you, the elderly are hopeless. there was an old woman in front of me getting her and her grandson's ticket and it took years. i had to buy mine and run to catch this train. with my whole life in tow. my bag, my back pack full of clothes, my blanket and pillow. 

40 minutes of the polar express later, i was in the city. the grey hound station is right next to the frontrunner stop and there was just something sort of thrilling about being able to jump on a bus and end up in portland or seattle without anyone stopping me. 

one trip to the mall later and we were in the hobbit house getting ready for the night. when in doubt, wear leggings. that's my new rule. unless it's summer. then you wear shorts. no matter what. finally when all the girls were there, the drinks were broken out. including the juice for the DD:) 

holla at yo gurl. we quickly established rules for our "responsibilibuddies"

a responsibilibuddy is someone who 

a. won't let you hook up with anyone less than a 6. 

except if it's britt and a black man because we all don't like black men so we're assuming they're all fair game

b. will hold your hair when you're throwing up

c. won't let you get lost in the crowd 

d. if any article of clothing is coming off, assist.
clothes stay on no matter what. 

e. assist. assist. ASSIST. 

then we also made 4 more rules. 

1. no leaving early alone

2. no crying

3. no throwing up 

4. no secret shots 

a little while later we were ready to party it up. 

we show up and it's the most packed thing i've ever seen. me and crystal have to go in a separate line because we don't have u-cards, so we did that then finally we got in. off to the dance floor we went. 

bodies. sweaty. drunk. bodies. all over. we worked our way to the middle of the crowd and danced the entire night away. usually guys just come up and grab you and you're sorta stuck until a responsibilibuddy gets you away. thank god for britt. every single time some random came up behind me, it'd take about 2 seconds before britt pulled me away. but there was this nice guy who ASKED me to dance. but then i smiled and danced away.. sorry nice guy... had i not had a boyfriend then sure. buuuuut i really like mine way too much. we danced from like 11:30 to 2 am. 

i've come to the conclusion that crimson night does many things. 

it builds confidence for all the guys who get to say they grinded with 379 girls, makes girls feel so pretty. boys all over you the entire time. but then sorta makes you feel weird when girls keep running away from you.. i ran like all night. all in all, so. much. fun.  

v-day and v-cards

"he's super cute and just GAH! i like him"

i feel like every time you ask a girl about her boy she says the same thing. 

but this time, i really mean it. he IS super cute and just GAH. 

when you work in a restaurant working holidays like valentines day is inevitable. so tay tay and i both worked and we agreed on doing valentines day on saturday. buuut there was NO way i was just going to disregard the most lovey dovey day in the whole year. so i got on pinterest and started searching for some cute do-dad for tay

here's what i came up with...

1. cookies

2.brownies

3. heart shaped cookies with writing 

4. cakes 

5. more cookies

6. more brownies

7. candy grams

pinterest failed me. i didn't wanna kill taylor with my baking skills and my poetry skills aren't up to par. 

so i thought of the next best thing. 

a heart attack. :)

with tons of cute things written on them:) 

so i got my sissy and we spent a solid hour cutting hearts out and writing stuff. but then i had to go to work at 5 so we were in a time crunch. 

before that, i had the most stressful day at school. freshman to the max over here. 30% of my final grade is on one test that i spent all night studying for. i get to my THURSDAY ONLY class ready to kick this test's butt, when i find out that the test was on tuesday. pretty sure my world caved and started flooding as my eyeballs did too. so i ran into my academic counselor's office to see what i should do. but she wasn't there, but another lady was and she told me to go talk to him and tell him what was up and that she would bet her life that he'd let me take the test. so i did, i went and pleaded my case with tear streaked cheeks and thank holy Jesus, he's letting me take it. so minor heart attack right there. about an hour after i got home, taylor shows up with a dozen LONG STEM roses. :) totes adorbs right??:) i was totally caught off guard because i was thinking that we were doin stuff on saturday. but it was a pleasant surprise to a horrific day:) 

whadda gem:)

SO after cutting hears, i was off to work, and we get slammed. until 10. we had a table come in at ten. we freaking CLOSE at 10. i left work at like 10:35, and i got the other host to help me with taylor's car:) winter nights are freezing in utah friends. but oh so worth it. :) 

"my mom is telling me there is something on my car..." 

so i'm thinking SHOWTIME!

then i don't hear from him for 40 WHOLE MINUTES.

so i'm thinking he's bugged with me for attacking his car....again...

but then he wasn't so we're a-okay:) 

oh and another funny thought, in college, i guess anywhere, sex is such a norm. we had a lecture branch off and turn into a sex talk. in high school i feel like i would just stare at my desk with my face turning red. in college, you all just laugh at the dirty jokes professors are cracking. even at UVU in the heart of utah valley. maybe people here aren't so uptight.   

and off they go

no one should see 9 am on a snowy saturday. it's just mean and not okay. 

we had a hostess meeting so off to work i went at 9 freaking AM. i was not a happy camper. i show up to the weirdest meeting ever. basically the whole hosting process is getting made 100x harder. so here goes nothing i guess. then we talked about suggestive selling. and our pie. "you can't sell a product you've never had. you guys have all had the pie, so sell the heck out of it" said the owner. then morgan was like "um. i haven't" so then Glen brought out 3 giant trays full of slices of pie. so i ate 3. 

THEN

i called britt because we planned on going up the canyon for our run. she was still in bed. it was FREAKING 11. so after prying her from her bed with the jaws of life, jadeo potato came over and up the canyon we went.  3.25 miles in, we found ourselves in ankle deep snow, wind pelting us with MORE snow, and a 3.25 mile run back. half way there, i had to stop and there went my pie. never again will i eat pie then go running. pretty sure i got my pie fix for the next few months. this thon does NOT stand a chance against us.

after thawing out in the shower for about an hour, i had to get ready for work. boo. work. but this weekend, i managed to not bus tables all nights:) i'm sure the other hosts hate me for it but my hip was killing me so..i did as little walking as i could. Roger came over and told me i was going to start training on to-go's next week!!:) holla!!:) to-go's get more hours and tips ontop of the tip outs we already get. monaaaay in the bank!! yeah right. more like monay in UVU..or cafe rio...or Moab...lesbehonest

an after work movie sounded like a good plan, so off to warm bodies tayter tot and i went. it was suuuuuper funny:)

THEN
the next morning at 9. again. we went to parker's farewell. parkie poo is going to RUSSIA!!! he is gonna be an AMAZING missionary. look out russia. buuuuut i realized last night how much i'm going to miss him..like lots. it sorta bums me out that so many of my friends are leaving. but i guess it's for a good cause.. whateerrr.

and that,my friends, brings us to today. where i'm blogging instead of writing my 4-5 page essay due tonight at midnight.. 

places to go

i feel like the question of the hour is 

"what are you going to?" 

what are you going to do with school? with work? mission? 

what about how we do things? does that not matter? i feel like what we do isn't as important as how we do it. how we do it ultimately decides who we become. 

a scary thought is not knowing what i wanna do.. i'm not sure what i'll do, but well.. i want to go places and see people. i want my mind to grow and gain a new perspective. i want ti live where things happen on a big scale. 

is cliche as it sounds, i want to live a life full of "oh well's" instead of "what if?'s" when i'm old i want to be able to sit on my porch swing (dear future hubby, can we get one? pleeeease?) and tell stories of all my adventures. i want to see the world and hear life from all perspectives. i want to hike the swiss alps and eat pasta in italy. raise baby elephants in india and maybe even get real deal jesus sandals from iraq. 

i don't think that living inside the mormon bubble makes my life experience any less valid then those who've been outside thus far, and i hate it when people act like living here makes me sheltered. you'd be surprised at the things bishop's kids do..tisk tisk. it's not all scripture study parties and movie nights down in the valley. but i feel like i don't wanna be here forever. at least not utah county. it's so easy to fall into a routine and never break out of it, then before you  know it you're 35 with 2 kids and young woman's president making funeral potatoes for the relief society pot luck. 

i sorta feel like i'm in limbo right now. you know.limbo..like in the movies it's sorta like the waiting room before floating up to heaven or riding the escalator down to hell. i'm in life limbo. i have three images in my head. 

1. who i'm "supposed" to be

this cute little mormon girl searching for a return missionary to get married to, or even seriously considering submitting misson papers, at BYU majoring in something like biology or even pre-med just so i can work for a few years then claim my "rightful" spot as a house wife. 

2. who i want to be

this  independent free spirited girl who drinks tea and coffee. listens to indy rock and has a fairly solid plan on where i want to be. 

and 3. who i really am

i'm some weird mix of both. i mean i love the church but sometimes i have to wonder if it's really for me... i'm not at BYU like my parents held their breath for, and i have no solid plan of who i want to be or what i even want to do. i'm banking on my last year of generals to figure that out.. i drink tea on the regular and my playlist is a weird mash of indy rock, country, and even les mis. i'm scared to disappoint my parents and i cry a lot more than i'd like to admit. and what i hate to admit most is that i'm dying to get married. i think it sounds so oh so so much fun. (i'm secretly holding out for britt britt to get married so i get my wedding fix for the next few years. but don't tell her) 

all i'm certain of is knowing that i have places to go, people to see and me to discover. 

FE. MALE.

fe: iron

male: man.

i am a female, therefore, i am ironman.

but guys. i'm not even kidding. 

i'm like really strong and stuff. 

i leg press 90 pounds, and i can run a mile in 6:30 on a good day. 

i can even break windows. 

but really.

i came home from the gym yesterday and the heater was left on in my room so it was blazing hot. i figured i'd crack the window and let it cool off real quick but when i tried, my window was stuck. and it ALWAYS gets stuck. even in the middle of the summer. so i figured i'd push harder. and harder. then i figured "oh if i stand at an angle, and push with all my body weight, it'll open" so i did..

i pushed all right. right through the first window pane. 

when my sister heard the crack, she came running in and i was holding a really nicely filleted thumb and a few splinters in my hand. i ran into the bathroom because blood was running down my arm and i didn't wanna get any on the carpet. so i went and washed it off and picked the very obvious splinters out. blood still gushing, i had a wad of toilet paper and it got all gross. so i rewashed it and came back to look at the damage. and that was the scary part of it all! the broken window..i mean you hear of people breaking doors all the time but WINDOWS??? you don't hear bout them stories much...
but thank goodness my parents were more worried about my sliced hand than my window. here's to a freezing rest of winter. anyone who wants to come bring me extra blankets is more than welcome to. oh, pie donations are appreciated too. 

because 6 year old's have the most fun

yesterday taylor and i went to the circus!!!:)

the last time i went, i was like maybe 5 or 6 with my parents. then my sister was birthed and everyone got boring. so it's been YEARS since i've gone.

GUYS. it was so much fun!!:) there were dancing elephants and jumping puppies! then the tight rope walker fell. twice. he was trying to jump rope on the wire and off he went. it's okay mr. tight rope man. jump roping is a hard skill that not everyone can attain. AND!! there wasn't a net under him or anything!! but when he fell, he caught himself using his legs. so no one died. then there were tigers!!!!! there were like 8. they were all super fluffy looking (of course i wouldn't know because taylor wouldn't let me touch one. EVEN THOUGH the tiger tamer was even hugging them. men...) those guys jumped through fire!! then i came up with a thought. 

all the dancers in the circus prolly took dance lessons since they were like 3  or something and prolly never got hired for any other jobs than the circus. that's kind of a bummer...

did i mention the elephants???!?!  because they were ADORABLE. there were ponies too!!!! they looked sad though.. but i'm sure when you have random kids riding you every single day of your pony life, you wouldn't be too happy either. they had a llama too!! taylor loves them little guys;)

then there was bike trick man! he even did a double back flip on it. 

(i'm in the hall of flags at school and some guy sat directly in front of me so now we're in an awkward game of eye tag..awk) 

i.heart.the.circus.soooooo.dang.much. 

because it's true love when buttfaces  are okay...:)

take one....i look handi

we are so dang cute!:) INSTAAAAAAAAA!