blah

i feel like people either love high school or hate it. there's no middle ground. if you loved high school, you are almost guaranteed to love college. and if you hated it, you are guaranteed to love college more. 

i loved high school. no doubt. best 3 years so far. it's not like i was super popular and had TONS of friends. in fact, i didn't like a lot of people in my class, but i had friends i saw every day. i felt like someone cared about what i was doing and where i was going. 

then you get here, and it's ANOTHER 4 FREAKING YEARS of HIGH SCHOOL. 

only without your friends who made it bearable. you're on your own almost. seriously. i park, walk to class, sit down, not say a word to anyone, then leave. every day. it's getting really old. i never figured that the people who were SO vital during those 3 years would be gone.

THEN the whole mission thing screwed me. since my boy friends (as in friends who are boys. i only have one boyfriend) are 19, they're outie. and now all my gal pals are outie too. guess who that leaves stranded? 

ding ding ding..this one..

i can't WAIT to get out of this stupid school..and move on. i feel suffocated and like no one quite gets it. for the most part, i can bear it, but i can't anymore. i am literally going to pull my hair out and look like cynthia from Rugrats. 

wanna know who gets me?

t-swift. only not really. only her chorus gets me. 

  

the end is in sight

one presentation, 6 page research paper, 4 page hand-written reflection and one math final later.. the end is in sight. 

i have a 100 question biology final and then a quick presentation in front of 50 eighth graders. no biggie. 

i am freaking out about my biology final though. i need to ace this. i usually get biology so well, and this semester has been hell. 

i've been scoring low on all my tests..and i basically failed my last one. 

i just need to do decently on this final and i think i'll be okay. 

in high school getting a C was devastating.. in college, it's almost a relief just knowing you passed the class. 

today i got the email i was waiting for though. 

i got into my American Nat Gov class!!

now i'm signed up for 15 credits and ALL of them count towards getting to the U and i'm actually super excited about next semester. 

i feel like noticing that email just now was a good sign from the heavens. everything will be okay as long as i put in my hours. god will provide:)

i've come to a conclusion, it's not gonna make any difference if i have an amazing math teacher if i don't put in the extra time myself. so this semester, i'm gonna rock my math class. i'm gonna go to math lab, not slack on my homework when the semester is almost over, not miss class, take advantage of office hours and skype taylor when i need him. mostly so i don't keep taylor up into the late hours of the night explaining inequalities and quadratic formula. even though it is pretty grand to have my very own personal tutor who just happens to be the sweetest guy around:) 

lets get on the dean's list shall we?

to do list:

1. wake up early 

2. get ready 

3. be at kelsey's by 7

4. be on time to bio final 

5. act bio final

6. present for lakeridge kids

7. come home and take my "i made it through my first finals week" nap

8. wash my work jeans

9. go to work

10. find someone to take my saturday shift 

11. love life

clearly my morals are too high..

only joking:)

nuhh uhhh gurrl freeeind

i should get paid to pin

they lied. every. single. one. of. them. 

6/30 Things: hardest

the hardest thing i've ever gone through. 

maybe when i didn't get asked to prom junior year..

or getting a  stress fracture my senior cross country season..

almost not walking at graduation..

getting grounded on my graduation night..

or maybe even getting asked to prom 2 days before the dance.

but with all of those it's all been something materialistic. 

dresses..graduation...parties..

i've never been really hurt by anyone so i always thought it was super easy to forgive and forget. but learning to forgive someone who wasn't supposed to hurt you ever is the hardest. by far. the worst part is when all i want to do is scream "this is YOUR fault. ALL YOUR fault. YOU ruined EVERYTHING." 

but the reality is that it's never any one person's fault. the moment when you realize you have to take ownership of what you did sucks because it clicks. it wasn't all his fault. he didn't ruin everything. i contributed.. 

this whole forgiveness is hard. but i feel like good things come from hard stuff. 

so tired

6 weeks into the semester and i feel like i'm going to die. 

there is always some reading to do..some paper to write...some math problem that needs solving..

and never enough time for me to sleep...

i feel like i'm dying. 

last weekend i seriously spent all weekend in bed..sleeping..and it was incredible. 

physically, i feel exhausted. my head is constantly pounding. i feel all gross and pre periody..that was prolly too much info...oh well 

mentally, i'm not as worn down as the rest of me

emotionally, i feel like i'm walking on egg shells with myself. at any moment i  might start crying and i just don't know.. no one gets it. and the only person that does lives in salt lake..guess who has expired plates and no gas. this one. so a mini road trip is out of the question. 

"how are you doing?"

"fine.."

no i'm not fine.. i need a hug and i just wanna spend my weekend curled up on my couch watching p.s. i love you, the notebook and harry potter. i need me a good crying shesh. and chocolate. that would help too. 

usually i'm the one taking care of others..and i am very capable of taking care of myself. i have for well..18 years. i can get by with very minimal emotionally from others. but i am just so run down and exhausted and i don't even know why.. i just need someone to tell me it's going to be okay and that i'll get through this.. i can't do it alone anymore...

who's a baby...?

this one...  

"i never imagined we'd end like this"

taylor swift knew what she was talking about when she sang 

last kiss.

"all that i know is that i don't know how to be something you miss" 

i guess all anyone ever wants is to know they're making an impact in someone's life..something they're doing..or something.. to know they aren't just another person on the streets. to know they're accomplishing what they always dreamed of. 

i think that i always want to leave a positive impression. .to be the kind of person that people remember and want to be with. in all aspects of my life. school, sports, dating...

the scariest thing in the world is realizing what an impact you made on someone. realizing that you really aren't just another person that came and went in someone's life. to know that you made such a big impression that two years later they still ask how you are and how you are..what you're up to...and what not..

i guess that's what we're all trying to figure out.

how to be something you miss..

whoever "you" may be in the end...

because boyce avenue does it better..

help

today i came to the realization that i need a new major

i declared biology..

and now, i'm thinking that maybe..just maybe i might not be cut  out for this med school stuff..

or college....

or even productive living...

i NEED something driving me..so i don't spend nights dreading homework like i do now

you would think Johns Hopkins would..but uh..no..not quite

ahkjdvkjfvb zweifh

help..