places to go

i feel like the question of the hour is 

"what are you going to?" 

what are you going to do with school? with work? mission? 

what about how we do things? does that not matter? i feel like what we do isn't as important as how we do it. how we do it ultimately decides who we become. 

a scary thought is not knowing what i wanna do.. i'm not sure what i'll do, but well.. i want to go places and see people. i want my mind to grow and gain a new perspective. i want ti live where things happen on a big scale. 

is cliche as it sounds, i want to live a life full of "oh well's" instead of "what if?'s" when i'm old i want to be able to sit on my porch swing (dear future hubby, can we get one? pleeeease?) and tell stories of all my adventures. i want to see the world and hear life from all perspectives. i want to hike the swiss alps and eat pasta in italy. raise baby elephants in india and maybe even get real deal jesus sandals from iraq. 

i don't think that living inside the mormon bubble makes my life experience any less valid then those who've been outside thus far, and i hate it when people act like living here makes me sheltered. you'd be surprised at the things bishop's kids do..tisk tisk. it's not all scripture study parties and movie nights down in the valley. but i feel like i don't wanna be here forever. at least not utah county. it's so easy to fall into a routine and never break out of it, then before you  know it you're 35 with 2 kids and young woman's president making funeral potatoes for the relief society pot luck. 

i sorta feel like i'm in limbo right now. you know.limbo..like in the movies it's sorta like the waiting room before floating up to heaven or riding the escalator down to hell. i'm in life limbo. i have three images in my head. 

1. who i'm "supposed" to be

this cute little mormon girl searching for a return missionary to get married to, or even seriously considering submitting misson papers, at BYU majoring in something like biology or even pre-med just so i can work for a few years then claim my "rightful" spot as a house wife. 

2. who i want to be

this  independent free spirited girl who drinks tea and coffee. listens to indy rock and has a fairly solid plan on where i want to be. 

and 3. who i really am

i'm some weird mix of both. i mean i love the church but sometimes i have to wonder if it's really for me... i'm not at BYU like my parents held their breath for, and i have no solid plan of who i want to be or what i even want to do. i'm banking on my last year of generals to figure that out.. i drink tea on the regular and my playlist is a weird mash of indy rock, country, and even les mis. i'm scared to disappoint my parents and i cry a lot more than i'd like to admit. and what i hate to admit most is that i'm dying to get married. i think it sounds so oh so so much fun. (i'm secretly holding out for britt britt to get married so i get my wedding fix for the next few years. but don't tell her) 

all i'm certain of is knowing that i have places to go, people to see and me to discover.