so close i can taste summer

summer is seriously 4 school days away.

and not even 4 FULL school days.

two more finals and i'm kissin junior year good bye:)
i couldnot be MORE excited:)

summer is long over due.

i've made a few goals this summer, and hopefully, i'll get all of them done.

1. wear my hair naturally at least twice a week

2. go to cross country EVERYDAY

3. wake up at 7:10 every morning to eat breakfast for cross

4. read my scripts every night

5. save monaaay

6. not worry about things i can't control

7. go to mutual every wednesday

8. work my butt off at xc and tkd

9. do an ab workout twice a week

10. go a month without candy

11. take TONS of pictures:)

12. run 2 5k's on my own

13. make varsity xc or top 3 jv

14. run every saturday morning



just the same old same old:)

it's so crazy to think that in october, i'm going to be applying to COLLEGES

i'm going to be looking for HOUSING

and everything else that comes along with college.

BUT

senior year:)
ahh.

i cannot wait.

BRUIN CRAZIES.

cross country.

my scedule is almost perfect:)

and i'm a seniorrrr:)

ahhhhhhhhhh.

there is nothing in my short 17 years that beats this.

so far:)

but as much as my insides are CRAVING summer, mother nature has some other plans for utah.

like wind.

FREEZING rain.

clouds.

and not sun.

days like these, rainy sundays, sometimes make me wish i had a significant other of the opposite gender to go on walks with.. or to go to the coffee shop on the corner with, or maybe just come over and chill.

k. wow. that was almost pathetic.

but when all the movies we watch, and books we read, are about guys willing to jump off bridges for their girls, willing to give up all their closest friends for, how are we not supposed to fall for it. the slightest chance that a relationship like that could happen...

but things like that don't happen in happy valley.

the name is rather deciving, as a matter of fact.

here, you have jell-o crazed-releif society moms, uptight seminary kids, bishops who freak becuase you don't have a job, and narrow-minded weirdos.

in salt lake now, you have the temple:), TONS of different people, blue lemmon:), the gate way, and the U, and the arts festival, warped tour, need i go on? i'm sure notebook stories go on there. :) and that is where i inted to spend my college life:) 

but for the time being, i'll try to make the best of this same old same old life that i've been im for the past 13 years.. 

7 days and counting

finals. 

late nights. 

bags under my eyes. 

and no effort whatsoever into my outfits anymore.

yes. i'm craving summer. 

like none other. 

i have a sports med final tomorrow. 

then an advanced health science final. 

then a chemistry final. 

then an english final. 

then junior year is over. 

i am so excited to wake up and think "i would normally be in third period right noe...:)" 

yes. 

bikini's, shorts, running shoes, and sun dresses:) 

that is calling my name. 

This week has been the longest one of my life. and pretty much the only reason i've made it half way through, is cause someone loves me:) 

thank you heavenly father. 

there is no way in heck, that i would be able to pass my accuplacer without some serious help! 

and guess who did:) 

me. 

i realized the other day, how much i love writing.. like a lot. i don't think i'm really all that great at it, cause well, just read this post! it's been all over the place. i get distracted really easily, but it's mostly cause i just have SO much i wanna blog about, that it just all comes out and makes no sense  to anyone but me. or anyone close enough to me that understands the mess up in mahh head. 

but yesss. 

summer starts off with youth conference in MOABBBB:) just 2 weeks after school ends. 

summer cross country starts june 13th:) 

then, 2 weeks later, i HOPE that my parents will let me road trip out to san jose with my bestie britt:) then two weeks after that, GIRLS CAMP:) 

THEN two weeks after that, 

i think i might spend the weekend in park city, 

then come back sunday night, and leave monday morning for CROSS COUNTRY CAMP:) 

ahhhhhhhhhhh:) and whenever i'm not somewhere, i'm gonna go run, go to yoga, then get into my bikini and head over to seven peaks:)  

yes. that is the plan. 

i WILL be BLACK when senior year starts. mark my words. 

AHHHH! senior year is commin uppp:) 

i feel sooo old!! 

but i'm excited to move out. 

:) 

GO UTES

i'm a big girl now..

as junior year winds down, i can say that i've never been more excited and ready for summer. 

i'm done with the late nights of homework, and crazy uptight teachers. 

last week was my personal hell week. 

yeah. i procrastinate like none other and i felt it's full effects all weekend. 

it started out like this..

yay monday! it's gonna be a busy, yet PRODUCTIVE week:)

wednesday...

i'm late, and sweats and pony tails are good.

no one to impress. it's only high school right?

and by friday..

 

it looks like this. only with pants and not an oversized shirt attempting to pass for a dress. it's some pathetic attempt at getting ready. then deciding that the sweatshirt in my running locker looks better then anything i tried pulling off that morning before i left for my 1233 frap that week. 

by now, i've made friends with the coffee boy at juice n java, the girl at starbucks, and the boys at nordstrom cafe. my bed is angry with me and needs some one on one time. and my closet thinks i've been kidnapped because they've been abandoned for an entire week. and my pj shelf thinks it's been a week long sleepover, cause it's empty by now...

and that my friends, is hell week. 

my summer will consist of early morning yoga, cross country running, seven peaks, summer concerts, and taekwondo. 

with all this hectic-ness going on, it suddenly hit me last night, at girls night with emily murdocko, that in a years time, everything is going to be even more hectic then it is now.

COLLEGE. 

moving out. 

COLLEGE.

graduation.

COLLEGE.

tuition.. 

COLLEGE. 

did i mention college is in a years time???

i guess whoever said that change is the only thing that's constant, totally knew that they were talking about. 

but what's more crazy is that applications for everything is coming up..

like school....

scholarships...

and whatever else.

like where you go to college determines A LOT about the rest of your life i think, 

like, what job you get, what you major in, who you meet, what sports teams you cheer for, the stickers on your car, the sweatshirt you'll get, ahhh:( 

and i have some HUGE decisions that need to be decided pronto..

like if i'm running in college, 

in state vs out of state, 

abroad, or america,

BYU, the U, Oregon, Washington, Boston or New York..

then it hit me. 

i'm not ready.

i don't know how to do ANYTHING on my own.. 

like cooking, checking the oil in my car, let alone changing a tire, balancing a check book, all those little things,  yeah, clueless right here. 

yet.

so i've come up with a plan of attack, 

the u..:)

while i learn to be independent, i wanna stay close to home kinda. 

just far enough away that i can have my own life, but close enough that i can come home in 40 minutes:) 

baby steps :) 

but if  i get accepted out of state, i'm jumping head first into this whole independent thing:)

i think it's time that i learn what i'm really made of. i'm almost 18, and almost at the end of my public education career. it's time for me and my parents to see how they've done. 

i love them so so so much. and for the most part, i wouldn't change anything. but i feel like our relationship would be so much better, if there was that distance there. so when i came home, i'd wanna be here, not dreading it. when i'd call, i'd wanna talk to them, not avoiding texts. 

i think they've done a killer job thus far actually:)

i have pretty good grades, 

i'm graduating with extra credits, 

i haven't gotten wasted or high in high school, 

i'm not pregnant or STD ridden,

i have a varsity letter in cross, and a few state championships under my belt, 

i floss diligently. 

so on and so forth. i think that in a years time, it'll be time to see how this little one (who's not so little anymore...) holds up in the real world:) 

DAY 17: (one day...i'll get to 31...)

another picture of yourself..

yes. life is good <3

drama rama

in the movies, when you're mad at someone, you either tell them to their face, 

or sleep with their boyfriends. 

in real life, you pretend to all be friends and then it all comes out randomly, and then everyone's okay. 

it's always the girls who have to say  "i hate drama. i don't like getting involved." that ALWAYS start it. 

no duh. no one likes it. 

we all like to hear about it, but no one really likes getting involved. it's a given. and if you need to say that, then you're obviously the one who starts it.. at least that's what i've noticed. 

the most chill girls and the ones that i love to hang out with, don't ever say that. they just avoid it. 

in my group of friends, we tend to ignore the person and then vent to someone. 

my group of "best friends" consist of 4 other girls. 2 of them, are really my besties. i love 'em:) one of them, we're kinda on and off. we're more of really good friends then besties. and the fourth, yeah.. i dunno. we're constantly in fights and i'm never aware of how, but i always tend to piss her off and i don't find out till someone mentions it or i catch her glaring at me. it's great fun really. 

like most recently, 

we went over to orem high for lunch cause emma and janae wanted to go. so me and erin and kaylie went with them cause we always eat lunch together. but we really needed to be back in time for fourth period. like seriously. so when it was time that we needed to head back, we were like hey emma, janae, we needa go. and they were like "ok. one sec." yeah. not even. so erin found us another ride back to the school and when they showed up, i went over and  was like "hey guys, we found a ride. we're leaving.." so we left and thought nothing of it. 

then after school that day. emma was like "hey. if you're gonna get on my case about leaving orem early to come back here, at least go to class. don't go to the park and  ditch." and me and the other two girls were confused because we left, and went to class. 

we later found out that janae told emma that we ditched and went to the park. 

k, so much for not starting drama. 

then a few days later, we came to my house for lunch, but i had to get my key from my little sister who was at school. so we drove over there and kaylie and i get out of the car and emma and janae decide to stay cause we parked in a red zone. when we come back, they're in the middle of a deep conversation and i asked "what's goin on..?" and all i get was 

"Nothing." 

wow. rude much? then they continued with their conversation, and kay and i started our own. and there was obvious tension all throughout that day. and really? i mean, you come to MY house. eat MY food, and act like a total beeotch? really? classy. 

then today was part three of all this. 

we were at lunch and it was just us 4 again, erin went with her lover. 

but at our table, it was just really full of tension that no one was willing to break. 

and today after school, erin was like "so what's up with you two and janae?" then it all came out. somehow, yesterday, i offended her. and she's bugged with me. but i dunno what part of letting her come over and hauling her butt everywhere in my car, without her ever even offering to pay for gas, is offensive..

whatever. 

i'm soo over her and trying to be her friend. 

we have really clashing personalities and it's been really obvious throughout this entire year. 

and i realized that i'm not friends with her cause i like her. i'm friends with her because she's friends with all of my friends. almost because we have to be. 

summer could not be coming at a more perfect time. in 13 days, i won't have to see anyone that i don't want to for 3 months...:) 

the fact that i'm even sticking around for my senior year is a little crazy to me. i could've graduated this year. but i want my senior xc, track, and tennis seasons:) so i'm sticking around. and with all the perks, come the drama. greeeat. 

but i have  3 months of not dealing with girls i don't wanna:) 

no homework. 

only running. 

and tanning:) 

it's gonna be one heck of a summer.

ahhh

eighteen...

today, as of 6 minutes ago, one of my bestest friends turned 18:) 

legal. adult.

word. 

AHHHHHHHH. 

when we first met, she was the girl who's spot i was gonna take. 

there could only be one top girl. and that was gonna be me. 

the very first day i walked into her studio, she looked at me like "look at that. fresh meat.." 

surprise surprise 

we ended up sharing top girl, and now she's one of my bestest friends. 

she's not even that much older then me, but we're just in totally different spots in our lives, that it really seems like 2 years older. not just one. 

she's legitly like my older sister

loveee ya britt:) 

morp:) yes. 

this weekend. 

soo excited:) 

our group is awesome. our day date is legit. and my date is pretty cool i guess.. kidding. he's awesome:) 

DAY 16: some of your favorite quotes

i’m Selfish, impatient,
and a little insecure.
I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle.
but if you can't handle me at my worst,
Then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my
Best.
-Marilyn Monroe

i hate you....
then i love you. ...
it's like i want to throw you off a cliff,
then run to the bottom and catch you.♥

"i can't tell if i wanna punch you.. or kiss you.."

the past is gone, and the future is not here yet. you are here now and can decide how to feel, think and do. 

risk everything. fear nothing. no regrets. 

runners have balls. other sports just play with them...:)

someone some where in the world is training when you're not. when you race, she will win. 

in your life, you meet people. some, you never think of again. some, you wonder what happened to them. there are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. and then there are some that you wish you never had to think about again. but, you do. 

meh. akfjd;skni

"...you loved me cause i'm fragile... 

and i thought that i was strong..." 

i used to think that i could do stuff without getting too involved. 

"too involved" doesn't exist. 

at least not in my world. 

either you're involved or your not. 

and once you take the time out of your day to facebook stalk, you're involved. 

i used to think that i could kinda pull off the whole "i don't care what happens" act.. 

but that's not me. at all. 

i used to think that if the opportunity presented itself and i took it, i could kiss someone and not give it a second thought. because i'm "strong" enough to just move on. if he didn't care, i wouldn't either. 

again. i'm wrong. 

these past few weeks have just been full of me learning a whole ton of things! 

most, the hard way. 

in my head, i like to think that i'm invincible. i do what i want, when i want.  and i can't hurt anyone, unless i want to. and i never get hurt or too involved. 

buuuuut, life, of course, is the exact opposite. 

i do what i want, when i want.. as long as the parents say it's okay 

i tend to hurt those closest to me 

i always end up too involved and that leads to me getting hurt
but that's high school right?
you figure out who you really are and what your limits are?
eh. i'm not sure i like that very much.
up until this point, i loved school.
like the social part. not the classes. who actually likes their classes? i mean really..?
but i guess there's a time in everyone's life when things just fall apart (or so they seem) and they just wanna quit?
teenage angst much?
yeah. we're best friends almost.
my newest catch phrase seems to be "yea well... my life is hard.."
and really, it's not.
i get fed everyday. my car has gas. i have a car. i have a family. and i have friends. i have a date to morp.
i have decent grades. my skin is pretty clear. i'm one of the top girls at tkd. i have the worlds best coaches. and lots of other things.
my life is only really hard when i make it..
we have gross food. i need more gas. i need a better car. i need different friends. i need better grades. i need to stop breaking out. i need different running shoes.
i just needa stop.
i need a new attitude and i've seriously gotta get some things straight here.
like the whole "i can roll with the big boys and play around.."
no.
i can't.
i get too involved and end up crying into a stuffed animal pillow at night.
and i'm sure that with enough practice, i could get good at it, but it's not something i really need to rock at.
but i'm okay with too involved. sometimes. it just means i actually care about the person and i don't treat guys like tissues.

the whole "no one gets how hard it is for utah valley mormon kids" thing.  

ya. life is hard. even harder for momo kids.
but even harder for mormon kids with  not mormon best friends.
don't get me wrong by any means, i love my friends. i couldn't ask for anything better. if anything, i'm glad that        none of them are really mormon, it forces me to have to stand up for what i think is right. it's all me.
and when i don't, which is more often then i'd like, it's all on me.
no one to blame.
but things sometimes suck. cause the pressure of being the mormon one is so crazy intense. it's like everyone's waiting for me to mess up so they can jump on that. and i don't like it. it's one of the reason's i'm done with utah almost. i hate walking down the street in shorts and getting looks.
yes, i'm mormon. i love starbucks, shorts, tank tops, bikinis and some days i hate waking up for church.
i don't know where i'm going with this post.. so i think this is a good spot to end.
that, and it's 12:13 and i have to wake up for another rousing week of junior year at 6:00.
awesome:)
DAY 15: (more like day 45, but one day, i'll get to 31:) hopefully )
a picture of where you'd like to live someday

greece:) 

hola madrid. como estas?? :)

venice italy:)

overrated.

overrated. 

life is full of overrated ish. 

well, maybe just mine. 

like prom. yeah. i got asked. and yeah. i said no. again. hmm. year two. no big. i only missed out on my junior prom. but seriously. 

no big. 

:) 

while most girls were worried about hair, nails, make up, dresses, shoes, bras and what not, i  had the best unprom with anna banana :)

we had some serious bucket list check offs that needed to be done:) 

best 8 bucks i've spent thus far in my 17 short years of life. 

instead of spending 430.00 on the most amazing prom dress, i spend 8.75 on plain black grandma shoes and turned them into one of a kind shoes :) 

GAS

another one of those overrated things. 

this. this right here, is rather upsetting. what makes this worse, is that before, 20 bucks used to fill up nameless, (nameless in the name of my soccer mom elantra. we couldn't think of anything better :( ) but nameless now only gets half full. :( 

i drive a lot. 

to school. to my sister's school. to practice in lindon. to my sissy's dance place. and wherever my parents need me. and even though, nameless gets somewhat decent gas milage, i think that soon, i'm trading in the keys for a new pair of running shoes....

HA! 

yeah. right. :) 

yes. people. they are simply overrated a lot of the time. it kinda feels like high school is all about the people you know. and it's not like i wanna sound bitter or anything, cause, for the record, i'm not. i'm very happy with  the people in my life, promise. BUT bleh. i guess it's just one of those weeks when the very thought of certain people just makes me wanna crawl in a hole. it very obviously is the end of school. by now, i've had my dose of several people. summer cannot come any sooner. :P 

but then there are some people who i can do whatever with, and even when i'm sick of the rest of the world, they always pick up what i'm throwing down. metaphorically of course. i don't go around having tantrums.. 

give us dollar tree, cheesy smiles, and funny hats and life is good for the next 3 hours at least :)

yeah. these losers are overrated too. last year, i applied to summer college with no intentions of getting in. and surprise surprise i got in. and i did really well in both my science classes. the science program was the last to declare it's kids cause so many applied. and doing as well as i did, i expected to be a returning student this summer. i mean the upperclassmen always get first dibs. 

and that's me. 

i did awesome last year. 

and i'm a concurrent enrollment student. 

and i'd be returning. 

i was almost positive that i'd be in. 

guess who didn't get in. 

oh ya. 

me.

it takes a special kind of retard to get rejected by an OPEN ADMISSIONS school. 

hah me. 

screw you UVU. the U is SOOO much better. so is BYU. and OREGON. and BOSTON. AND UCLA. and NYU. 

screw youuuu. 

what's funny is that the USTA (united states taekwondo association) chairman, emailed me to congratulate me on qualifying for nationals and expects to see a good fight in san jose. (that's where nats are this year) the USTA likes me better then some local open admissions school... that just barely got a track.. and doesn't have a football team. losers. 

track.. um yeah. it's borderline overrated. 

i mean, running in ovals for 8 laps at a time. ya. not fun. running? a blast:) speed workouts every other day? nope... mental exhaustion? yeah. we're best friends. it's almost to the point when i dread the end of the day. cause i know a speed workout is waiting for me. i miss cross sooo bad:( 

this is where everything just gets solved:) and it's just you and the course. 

oh yeah. and here:) i feel awkwardly at home here...:) 

now, i must face the pile of english homework that i've been avoiding. yes... what's tying me over is the following

1. region is in 3 weeks. only three more weeks before cross training starts

2. summer is in 4 weeks and counting

3. the best summer of my life is about to begin