i can't help but wonder...

i've always grown up being told that the church brings true happiness. 

and for the longest time, i've never thought any different. 

the gospel is light, families are forever, we need to marry return missionaries

but...what happens when the ugly D word rears its head into what seems a happy relationship?

when divorce is being thrown around..what do you do then?

my family was supposed to be happy..we were supposed to be together forever.

and now it seems like we can't even get through a day without anyone fighting, yelling and eventually crying. 

i have so many friends that have parents who love each other and it's obvious to see. so many friends who aren't members of the church and they're so much happier than we are. 

how is that fair in the eternal prospective? 

my family will be together but these other families who really do love each other won't? just because they didn't accept the gospel?

that just doesn't seem fair. 

maybe if it weren't for my college tuition they're taking on..

they'd be less stressed and my family would be okay..

maybe if i had gotten a full ride instead of partial it'd be okay..

maybe if i would....

i don't know what to do. 

when my sister asks me if  it'll be okay, i want to say yes so badly..but knowing that it might not be scares me. 

i can't help but wonder why the idea that temple marriage is ideal has been drilled into my head.. it only makes seeing it fall apart that much harder. 

it terrifies me. 

i'm scared...i don't know what to do..

6/30 Things: hardest

the hardest thing i've ever gone through. 

maybe when i didn't get asked to prom junior year..

or getting a  stress fracture my senior cross country season..

almost not walking at graduation..

getting grounded on my graduation night..

or maybe even getting asked to prom 2 days before the dance.

but with all of those it's all been something materialistic. 

dresses..graduation...parties..

i've never been really hurt by anyone so i always thought it was super easy to forgive and forget. but learning to forgive someone who wasn't supposed to hurt you ever is the hardest. by far. the worst part is when all i want to do is scream "this is YOUR fault. ALL YOUR fault. YOU ruined EVERYTHING." 

but the reality is that it's never any one person's fault. the moment when you realize you have to take ownership of what you did sucks because it clicks. it wasn't all his fault. he didn't ruin everything. i contributed.. 

this whole forgiveness is hard. but i feel like good things come from hard stuff. 

so this is it

i woke up hoping it was just all some nightmare i dream of. 

but the pounding headache and puffy eyes remind me how real it is. 

it sucks. i'm so sad..

thank goodness i have amazing friends who are willing to drive down from salt lake just to come cuddle me and hold me as full emotion set in. and another incredible friend who went to the creepy gas station just to come over too.