going crazy

there are so many things running through my head right not it's not normal. 

i should be focusing on the FINAL stretch of my english paper due in 25 minutes. but words aren't coming to me.. women's rights..i feel like i have said everything possible and them some. somehow i need one. more. PARAGRAPH.

what makes this particularly hard is how many random thoughts are in my head..

i need to go running.. i'm getting chubby i feel like. in the notebook when Allie goes "i don't paint anymore.." i feel like i'm sitting here saying "i don't run anymore.." then i realize it's because i have no time. none at all. i come to school, go home and do chores, then work until 8 sometimes 9, then crash. running is what kept me sane for all of high school. why is it now, when i need it the most, i have no time for it?

it breaks my heart a little.

i was on insta and i saw this picture. this girl has amazing hair.. but it was like "staying up late at night thinking of all the wrong i've done to people.. #i'msosorry #otherhashtags #moredepressedhighschooldrama

i don't know this girl. at all. all i know is what i've heard from people and she doesn't have many fans from the group of people i hang out with. but even if i'm totally wrong about what she's referring to, i'm kinda glad she went and hurt certain individuals..because it gave me the opportunity to know certain people on a level that never would have been reached unless we were both broken in a sense.. i guess "pain" is this weirdly gnarly thing. it hurts oh so bad, like double over on your  bed and sob into the early hours of the morning bad but..it makes us that much stronger. weirdness. 

i really need headphones..there are so many conversations going on around me and i don't care about your "Peruvian bread from Mexico.." or "your epic jump shot last night" or even "oh my god. she totally slept with her boyfriend!" that one did make me laugh though. thank goodness for laptops you can hide behind. 

i need a hug..

or flowers..

or a puppy..

or finals to be over. i never thought they would be this bad. i always looked at my college friends and thought "psh..i bet it's not even that bad.." oh hah no. it is that bad and some. 

then when your 6 page research final goes "poof" and you're left with half a paragraph.. you want to kill yourself. 

but thanks to lovely Britt Britt, i somehow got through this. i'm so incredibly glad my best friend is showing me the ropes with this whole "college-finals" thing. i would die without someone so willing to let me cry to them. 

(this was written at 11..and posted at 6:30. my finals are HALF way OVER!! heck to the yes!!)  

so tired

6 weeks into the semester and i feel like i'm going to die. 

there is always some reading to do..some paper to write...some math problem that needs solving..

and never enough time for me to sleep...

i feel like i'm dying. 

last weekend i seriously spent all weekend in bed..sleeping..and it was incredible. 

physically, i feel exhausted. my head is constantly pounding. i feel all gross and pre periody..that was prolly too much info...oh well 

mentally, i'm not as worn down as the rest of me

emotionally, i feel like i'm walking on egg shells with myself. at any moment i  might start crying and i just don't know.. no one gets it. and the only person that does lives in salt lake..guess who has expired plates and no gas. this one. so a mini road trip is out of the question. 

"how are you doing?"

"fine.."

no i'm not fine.. i need a hug and i just wanna spend my weekend curled up on my couch watching p.s. i love you, the notebook and harry potter. i need me a good crying shesh. and chocolate. that would help too. 

usually i'm the one taking care of others..and i am very capable of taking care of myself. i have for well..18 years. i can get by with very minimal emotionally from others. but i am just so run down and exhausted and i don't even know why.. i just need someone to tell me it's going to be okay and that i'll get through this.. i can't do it alone anymore...

who's a baby...?

this one...  

swim nemo. swim.

a year ago i was a big fish in a little pond. 

high school.

now, i'm getting thrown into what feels an awful lot like a shark tank. 

college. 

with grad students, married people and rm's desperate to tie the knot.

but then you realize

you find out who you are and what you're made of. 

this is the part we all thought we couldn't wait to get to.

"post-graduation" 

but the more i think about it, i can sum it up into two feelings.

1) excitement like none other. college man:) 

2) i'm so scared that if they called me and told me i owed them another year of high school i'd run to mountain view. then kill myself. 

but mostly, i'm super excited. i mean, i'm growing up. it's for reals. 

for the past 12 years, i've been DYING to know what this really is like..

and here i am..scared out of my mind..

so much, that i almost wanna 

to just about anywhere really. 

maybe hawaii..

or italy.

new york.

somewhere where i can spend all day in a bikini and pretend it's forever july.

and then something clicks..

and you remember to take a deep breath because everything is gonna be okay.

i mean, if nemo can be taken away from his poppa and come back alive; i can survive college.