going crazy

there are so many things running through my head right not it's not normal. 

i should be focusing on the FINAL stretch of my english paper due in 25 minutes. but words aren't coming to me.. women's rights..i feel like i have said everything possible and them some. somehow i need one. more. PARAGRAPH.

what makes this particularly hard is how many random thoughts are in my head..

i need to go running.. i'm getting chubby i feel like. in the notebook when Allie goes "i don't paint anymore.." i feel like i'm sitting here saying "i don't run anymore.." then i realize it's because i have no time. none at all. i come to school, go home and do chores, then work until 8 sometimes 9, then crash. running is what kept me sane for all of high school. why is it now, when i need it the most, i have no time for it?

it breaks my heart a little.

i was on insta and i saw this picture. this girl has amazing hair.. but it was like "staying up late at night thinking of all the wrong i've done to people.. #i'msosorry #otherhashtags #moredepressedhighschooldrama

i don't know this girl. at all. all i know is what i've heard from people and she doesn't have many fans from the group of people i hang out with. but even if i'm totally wrong about what she's referring to, i'm kinda glad she went and hurt certain individuals..because it gave me the opportunity to know certain people on a level that never would have been reached unless we were both broken in a sense.. i guess "pain" is this weirdly gnarly thing. it hurts oh so bad, like double over on your  bed and sob into the early hours of the morning bad but..it makes us that much stronger. weirdness. 

i really need headphones..there are so many conversations going on around me and i don't care about your "Peruvian bread from Mexico.." or "your epic jump shot last night" or even "oh my god. she totally slept with her boyfriend!" that one did make me laugh though. thank goodness for laptops you can hide behind. 

i need a hug..

or flowers..

or a puppy..

or finals to be over. i never thought they would be this bad. i always looked at my college friends and thought "psh..i bet it's not even that bad.." oh hah no. it is that bad and some. 

then when your 6 page research final goes "poof" and you're left with half a paragraph.. you want to kill yourself. 

but thanks to lovely Britt Britt, i somehow got through this. i'm so incredibly glad my best friend is showing me the ropes with this whole "college-finals" thing. i would die without someone so willing to let me cry to them. 

(this was written at 11..and posted at 6:30. my finals are HALF way OVER!! heck to the yes!!)  

here goes nothing

you know there's a problem when your doctor talks to you and says 

"hey..maybe you should consider moving out.. it's obvious to see that there's   tension." 

even my doctor noticed how crazy my mother is. 

what's lovely is being promised a tuition check for all of undergrad. witho no strings attached  but then the catch being "as long as you major in what we want and go to school where we want and live at home" 

yesterday my dad even said "as soon as she moves out, we're cutting her off"

woah woah woah. 

i guess it's okay to pay out of state tuition for my cousin, pay for my grandparents to live and everything but your own kid has to be your bih.

i guess that changes everything. there goes study abroad...

oh what else sucks is when you tell your mom how unhappy you are, how you DREAM of going to salt lake, how you feel like the black sheep in your own FAMILY and all you get is "talking to you is a waste of time. you're pathetic" 

gnarly. 

first. i need a job. 

save. save. saaaave. 

then move out.

 and never come back.

here's to the adventure of a life time. 

growing up