post finals.

i survived. 

holla at yo gurl 

oh silly BYU students

check out the guy's hair around...52 seconds

this guy..is hilarious. i think he is great. take a listen.

mind the language. bahahahah jenna marbles. 

the end is in sight

one presentation, 6 page research paper, 4 page hand-written reflection and one math final later.. the end is in sight. 

i have a 100 question biology final and then a quick presentation in front of 50 eighth graders. no biggie. 

i am freaking out about my biology final though. i need to ace this. i usually get biology so well, and this semester has been hell. 

i've been scoring low on all my tests..and i basically failed my last one. 

i just need to do decently on this final and i think i'll be okay. 

in high school getting a C was devastating.. in college, it's almost a relief just knowing you passed the class. 

today i got the email i was waiting for though. 

i got into my American Nat Gov class!!

now i'm signed up for 15 credits and ALL of them count towards getting to the U and i'm actually super excited about next semester. 

i feel like noticing that email just now was a good sign from the heavens. everything will be okay as long as i put in my hours. god will provide:)

i've come to a conclusion, it's not gonna make any difference if i have an amazing math teacher if i don't put in the extra time myself. so this semester, i'm gonna rock my math class. i'm gonna go to math lab, not slack on my homework when the semester is almost over, not miss class, take advantage of office hours and skype taylor when i need him. mostly so i don't keep taylor up into the late hours of the night explaining inequalities and quadratic formula. even though it is pretty grand to have my very own personal tutor who just happens to be the sweetest guy around:) 

lets get on the dean's list shall we?

to do list:

1. wake up early 

2. get ready 

3. be at kelsey's by 7

4. be on time to bio final 

5. act bio final

6. present for lakeridge kids

7. come home and take my "i made it through my first finals week" nap

8. wash my work jeans

9. go to work

10. find someone to take my saturday shift 

11. love life

clearly my morals are too high..

only joking:)

nuhh uhhh gurrl freeeind

i should get paid to pin

they lied. every. single. one. of. them. 

kill me now

yesterday i was at the library studying for my math final 

when i realized i don't remember how to do like...anything.

when that hit me, i put my head down and started to do that awkwardly silent bawling thing. then i was drowning in my tears. literally.  

the table was wet..my face was blotchy, and my review was damp.

that's when i threw everything into my backpack and left for practice. 

being on the sparring mat was great. it made everything sort of go away. i haven't laughed so much all week. but then when my "coach" started to ignore me..i realized that taekwondo has been great and wonderful for the past 13 years. but i think i'm ready to hang up the belt.. i don't love it anymore and i'm sure i can find a yoga class or something to make me relax. 

boy oh boy. i hate this. finals are killing me. it makes me dread the end of the semester oh so very badly  wahhhh. i think i'll spend tonight cuddled up with my math book..in tears of frustration.

going crazy

there are so many things running through my head right not it's not normal. 

i should be focusing on the FINAL stretch of my english paper due in 25 minutes. but words aren't coming to me.. women's rights..i feel like i have said everything possible and them some. somehow i need one. more. PARAGRAPH.

what makes this particularly hard is how many random thoughts are in my head..

i need to go running.. i'm getting chubby i feel like. in the notebook when Allie goes "i don't paint anymore.." i feel like i'm sitting here saying "i don't run anymore.." then i realize it's because i have no time. none at all. i come to school, go home and do chores, then work until 8 sometimes 9, then crash. running is what kept me sane for all of high school. why is it now, when i need it the most, i have no time for it?

it breaks my heart a little.

i was on insta and i saw this picture. this girl has amazing hair.. but it was like "staying up late at night thinking of all the wrong i've done to people.. #i'msosorry #otherhashtags #moredepressedhighschooldrama

i don't know this girl. at all. all i know is what i've heard from people and she doesn't have many fans from the group of people i hang out with. but even if i'm totally wrong about what she's referring to, i'm kinda glad she went and hurt certain individuals..because it gave me the opportunity to know certain people on a level that never would have been reached unless we were both broken in a sense.. i guess "pain" is this weirdly gnarly thing. it hurts oh so bad, like double over on your  bed and sob into the early hours of the morning bad but..it makes us that much stronger. weirdness. 

i really need headphones..there are so many conversations going on around me and i don't care about your "Peruvian bread from Mexico.." or "your epic jump shot last night" or even "oh my god. she totally slept with her boyfriend!" that one did make me laugh though. thank goodness for laptops you can hide behind. 

i need a hug..

or flowers..

or a puppy..

or finals to be over. i never thought they would be this bad. i always looked at my college friends and thought "psh..i bet it's not even that bad.." oh hah no. it is that bad and some. 

then when your 6 page research final goes "poof" and you're left with half a paragraph.. you want to kill yourself. 

but thanks to lovely Britt Britt, i somehow got through this. i'm so incredibly glad my best friend is showing me the ropes with this whole "college-finals" thing. i would die without someone so willing to let me cry to them. 

(this was written at 11..and posted at 6:30. my finals are HALF way OVER!! heck to the yes!!)  

pre-finals week

finals are next week

well sorta. 

i have my final presentation and final paper due on thursday.

then i have a math final in a week and a bio final sometime next week too.

i'm freaking out. 

i have tons of studying that needs doing

before i kill myself i found pins that make me happy

enjoy

grumpy kitty:)

oh ya, i got a letter from Matt today!!:) 

my birthday is in 13 days:)

work opens in 10 days..

finals start in 3 days..

i just don't want to do my homework. 

ink'ed

ladies and gents. 

i'm getting a tattoo.

either for the big one nine

or when i move to salt lake.

the way i see it, 

it's a start to a new chapter in my life.

 being independent,

not caring what others think, 

loving myself,

 remembering what myself and others are worth, 

 not judging myself, 

accepting everyone.

 doing what i want, not what i think others want from me. after all, i am the one living with my decisions. even if that makes those around me unhappy.. 

i've always had this weird thing with anchors. i sorta love them. i think part of me is a mermaid. i think the only reason i don't know how to swim is because the craving of the ocean would kill me. i've always loved how the ocean is just there. it doesn't do anything to get attention. it's just going about it's business peacefully..beautifully..mysteriously..

i just love it.  

right now i'm thinking something super small. i don't want anything too flashy. after all this is for me. no one else. 

an anchor on my heel..or side of my foot. 

either brown or white ink..

but the idea is young and there is much time to play around with.

my life

for my final paper in my english class

i'm writing about gender equality.

it's really made me aware of a lot more things in my day to day life 

and even in my family. 

if i was a boy, i'm positive i wouldn't have a curfew.

i'm positive i could hang out with whoever i wanted whenever i wanted.

it would be totally different then how i get treated now.

i'm basically 19..

a freshman in college,

my curfew is 11:30 on weekends and 9 on weekdays. 

i can't hang out with other boys because i have a boyfriend. 

i'm expected to work and pay for everything other than food and school for myself. 

wasn't one of the perks of living at home getting everything paid for? at this rate, i might as well move out. 

this is stupid because i know for a fact that if i was a boy, none of this would be happening. 

so it is now 8 o'clock on a saturday night and i'm home alone while my parents are at a movie.

this is exactly why i have no friends.

i hate my mother sometimes.