so this is it

i woke up hoping it was just all some nightmare i dream of. 

but the pounding headache and puffy eyes remind me how real it is. 

it sucks. i'm so sad..

thank goodness i have amazing friends who are willing to drive down from salt lake just to come cuddle me and hold me as full emotion set in. and another incredible friend who went to the creepy gas station just to come over too. 

5/30 things: happiest

1. perspective

when i get those glimpses of eternal perspective and i catch the hand of the Lord, life is great. although i don't always agree with the church and it's stances on certain things, it's nice to know that there is some plan for us. i can't believe that we call it quits when our bodies hit the grave. it gives me peace of mind, love, and happiness. but i do very strongly believe you can be happy without the church. everyone has their own way of making sense of this crazy, confusing, compelling world.

(check that alliteration out) 

2.running

the burning feeling in the back of your throat on a cold day, or when your calves are screaming as you trek up a hill are perfect for any bad day. 

3. people

i love being alone, but not ever lonely. the fact that i have a best friend who i can call or text at any given time and she acts like my own personal therapist is amazing. :)

4. pie

i. love. pie. chocolate silk from village inn makes me so happy. birthday pie over birthday cake any day

5. writing

my journal or blog have never talked back to me. they just take everything i dish out to them and it is superb. writing is the one place i can just say everything in my mind, and no one judges me. i just do what i want, say what i want, and make all the HP references that my heart wants to without being called "crazy" :) 

4/30 things: sixteen

advice i would give my 16 year old self. 

huh, well considering that was only two years ago, a lot has changed. 

1. i would tell 16-year old me to not be so shy. high school is so much more fun when you're involved. go to dances, join teams. because cross country was the best choice i made in high school.

2. be careful with who you call your best friend. those people who you never really expected to stick around for long, will turn out to be your best friends later on

3. write what you want in people's yearbooks.  no one actually reads them, might as well have fun. hah i think i wrote "i'll make this quick.  lets kiss" in a friends..

4. skipping class is fun, oh so worth it, but not. go to class. get good grades. stay in school. it saves you money, gas, and a whole lot of heartache come end of term.

5. try to be remembered as something positive, not the girls who almost didn't walk. when your principal says "oh girls..college won't be that much different than high school for you guys. you'll go to class when it's convenient for you." you have a problem 

6. don't give your phone number to the soccer player in your seminary class. he just wants your best friends number. ouch.

this man

sometimes pinterest shows you something that you just have to share with everyone. 

or everyone who reads this

this man wrote the most amazing vows to his wife that i think i melted just reading them.

" I will kill the spiders. I will share my fries with you when you've finished all yours and are still hungry. I won't ever pop my collar. I will never be rude to your tummy-when i hear it growl and gurgle, I promise to bend down and reply respectfully. I will eat the mushrooms when we order the supreme pizza. I will kiss the paper cuts and door-slammed finger and the counter-bumped hip. I will try my hardest not to get annoyed when you whisper questions and comments during movies. I will be the big spoon. I will let you win at wresting. Sometimes. Other times i will not. I will send you random texts and leave you silly gifts. Not always. Not on schedule. Just whenever I want to. Whenever I think you need one. Or seven. I will check your tire pressure. And remind you to take your car in. I will hold your hand. I will love you. I will love you. I will love you."

love is real. even if Jef with one f and Emily broke up. 

3/30 things: parents

i LOOOOOOVE my parents. 

it wasn't always this way though. i remember when i was 14 i was willing to do anything just to piss my parents off. and looking back, i'm not quite sure why. 

but as i've gotten older, i see a method to all the madness. 

my mom is amazing. she is sort of more like my friend than a mom. i joke around with her and do weird things, like dance in my underwear, when it's just us. she always looks at me and just gives me this look that says "oh God..where did i go wrong?" when we fight, all hell breaks loose. i guess it's one of those things that come with being mexican. we yell. i love my momma so much though. 

my pops is one cool cat. i've always been a little scared of him. mostly when he's mad. oh boy...when he's mad, his looks alone make me cry. but being daddy's little girl has it's perks. he's not always willing to hear me out but when we agree, it's quite grand. my dad is the kind of person who doesn't show affection all that much. so it's hard to know when he's happy. usually, during my sparring matches i've heard he's one of my loudest cheerleaders. but i'm a little busy...so i never notice really. but despite everything, he's always been willing to support me in everything that we both agree on. 

these two are incredible. there are so many attributes that i want to take from their parenting skills when i raise my own kiddos. i couldn't ask for better parents. 

just a thought

history tends to repeat itself. 

i mean jelly shoes were totally a thing in the 80's. 

until recently, everyone and their dog decided they wanted some. so here in 2012, we're bringing back the jellies. 

back in our grandparents day, race was a huge deal. i mean blacks couldn't even drink out of the same drinking fountain as the whites. we all look back on it now and we're almost embarrassed at how members of our very own families reacted to it all. now, race is still an issue but no where near the same extend as it was in the 50's. 

love one another right?

i can't help but wonder what it is we're going to be doing that is going to be looked back on and our grandkids are going to be thinking "what the heck was wrong with them..? why would you treat anyone like that? what makes it okay?"

 the more i think about it, the more i think it's how we treat marriage. i personally think that anyone who wants to get married should be allowed. it's a civil ceremony therefore, it should be a civil right. 

i also think there's a way we can allow those rights while still protecting the temple. i don't understand why everyone is so against it. if two individuals love each other, then why are we denying them the same rights as anybody else? 

2/30 things:fears

i'm deathly afraid of spiders. 

i don't really know where this fear came from but i've always found them to be gross. when i was in preschool, this girl i still know to this day, was playing with a daddy long leg. it was crawling up and down her legs and she'd hold it and ew. it was just so gross to me. then, we lived in this ghetto apartment when i was little, and spiders all over the place. i'd wake up with spider bites all over my legs and one time my face. i was petrified. they're just so gross and it makes me want to cry. i am willing to call of a wedding even, if the guy i chose to marry won't squish my spiders. it's not something huge, but to me, it means the world and a half.

rejection. i think that to some extent everyone has this fear. not everyone is 100 percent comfortable with themselves 100 percent of the time.
i've seen how devastating rejection can be on someone. so whenever i feel like it could happen, i get out of the situation as fast as possible. that might be why i never last very long in relationships. i'm scared of letting someone know every detail about me then have them leave. i think that's why i tend to close off or just not even open up. it's easier to for me to move on knowing there was so much of me they didn't know, i didn't share anything too personal. it doesn't matter how long a relationship is, i've been in one with myself for so much longer. at the end of the day if i don't look after myself, who will? but it's nice to know that there are genuinely nice people around.

regret. i don't want to look back when i'm old and realize i had a life full of "what if's" i want to be able to look back and have tons of stories from all the adventures i went on and all the cool people i met. i remember one time that i felt regret at it's fullest. it was on the way back from a run, i was pacing with varsity and we were back to the school by now. we were crossing the fields, and i was exhausted. so i fell back and finished with the jv girls. i was so mad at myself. i was so close. and i didn't finish. i know it's not a huge thing to regret, but the feeling afterwards makes me never want to regret anything much larger ever.