it's never too late

last night i had the craziest dream ever. 

first, i dreamt (chacha says it's a real word..) that i moved into an apartment with Jimmer and a few randoms...

what in the world...?

but then it totally changed..

i was telling Janet a story about this one boy who we both liked sophomore year. lets call him john.

john ended up screwing both of us over so we both were not fans..like at all. 

john had started talking to me again and i totally freaked out so i HAD to tell someone..who better then the girl who knew him just as well as i had? 

and when i actually started talking i said "Ah! i wish you were really here so i could tell you all this..! who cares i'm telling you anyways" 

 janet was always super protective of all her friends, and if you ever needed anyone to vent to, you could ALWAYS count on her. always. 

so i'm telling her this story, and she pulls out her phone and starts sending a strongly worded text to john...

and it was sorta like i knew right then, that whatever happened between us was over and we were moving on. we forgave each other it felt like. 

i woke up feeling like i'm crazy..or like she really forgave me for everything that happened.

then! i turned on pandora, and 

make you feel my love started playing.. 

if anything described janet ever, it would be this song.

she's taught me so much and i love her so so so much.

it's already been a month and i can still remember finding out that she was gone...

everything about that was a first for me..i'd never been to a viewing..much less a funeral. it was all so surreal .

but knowing that we're okay, makes letting her go so much easier because i know i'll see her again

:) 

not real. not yet. no way.

i just don't know anymore.. 

it wasn't real until today...

her body was there..but what made it so special was far far away. 

i miss you jay.. 

i want you to come back..

"our best friend is SO attractive." 

oh man..we had some crazy conversations.. 

everyone treats me like i'm made of glass. if they say the wrong thing, i'll shatter into a million pieces. 

yes. i'm okay. 

yes, it's so much harder then i ever expected this to be. 

no, i don't know anything anymore.. 

i'm so thankful for all those people who've reached out to me during this. 

britt. you are seriously the older sister i never had.. 

thank you so much for coming with me today and giving me the heads up on what to do.. 

it means so much that you would take time from your day to help me overcome something like this. 

i just don't know what to do anymore.. 

numb..

i know heavenly father does everything for a reason.

i know he was a plan for each and every one of us. 

but sometime, 

it leaves you feeling numb. 

this morning, heavenly father welcomed home two of his precious children. 

Janet Velasco and David Cancilla. 

Janet and i used to be best friends and then we both got caught up in our high school drama and called it quits. and if there is anything i regret, was not making more of an effort with our friendship. i guess sometimes it just takes something as drastic as losing someone all together for everyone to get their acts together. 

i guess what i'm getting at is not taking anyone for granted. 

janet made some serious impact on my life and everyone who she was around. 

one time in the 7th grade she said "you don't need to tear others down to make yourself look better.." 

and that has always stuck with me. i was such a brat, and thanks to her, i've mellowed out so much. she taught me how fragile life really is and that we need to love everyone and everything...