let me ask you something..

I want you to tell me about every person you've ever been in love with. Tell me why you loved them, then tell me why they loved you. Tell me about a day in your life you didn't think you'd live through. Tell me what the word "home" means to you and tell me in  a way that i'll know your mother's name just by the way you describe your bedroom when you were eight. See, I wanna know the first time you felt the weight of hate and if that day still trembles beneath your bones. Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain or bounce in bellies of snow? And if you were to build a snowman, would you rip two branches from a tree to build your snowman arms? Or would you leave the snowman armless for the sake of being harmless to the tree? An if you would, would you notice how the tree weeps for you because your snowman has no arms to hug you every time you kiss him on the cheek? Do you kiss your friends on the cheek? Do you sleep beside them when they're sad, even if it makes your lover mad? Do you think anger is a sincere emotion of just the timid of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain? See, I wanna know what you think of your first name. And if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mother's joy when she spoke it for the first time. I want you to tell me all the ways you've been unkind. Tell me all the ways you're cruel. See I wanna know more than what you do for a living. I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving. And if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes. I wanna know if you bleed sometimes through other people's wounds. 

welcome back

i've got this boy. and he's great. 

he's so great that when we play, it's just us two. 

we're not actively trying to impress one another, we flow. 

it's raw and real and i wouldn't change a thing.

it's comfortable. it's home.

a few weeks ago this boy came up to me at the gym. he was nice and asked for my phone number. so i naturally tried to sneak out before i gave it to him because sometimes i'm THAT girl. the girl who won't tell you she isn't interested up front because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. he caught me at my car and my phone number he got. 

today he asked me to go to dinner. after i had told him i was dating someone else. yogurt and coffee is okay, dinner i feel obligated to sit next to you and possibly be forced into holding your hand. no thank you. so we opted for yogurtland and the best friend came along. 

had it not been for her, we would have sat there in awkward silence. we have nothing in common. and it might be the boy's fault. i've gotten so comfortable with him, i forgot a little how you're supposed to act with normal boys..

all in all, he forgot his wallet, i had mine.

we had nothing in common, 

he's a fair weather Utah fan, 

and wears football jerseys during off season.  

i could not be more happy with my very own boy. this confirmed that  i picked a winner. 

i think this is what it's like.

the boy came over after being gone all weekend and offered to make me dinner. we ventured off to the grocery store and found food and came back and ate on the porch. it was precious. after dinner we hung out and then he even helped me wash dishes. 

if that's what it's like to be married, i cannot wait. 

(even though it's totally weird right now.) 

everything but the kitchen sink.

1. i got my wisdom teeth out last week exactly. 

i was sort of nervous going in. when they called me back i went alone, my mom offered to come with but i was fairly certain i'd be okay alone. but luckily she came back and just sat in the corner until they put me out. they gave me laughing gas and the first dose in my iv and i was out. when i woke up i remember asking my mom if my tongue was still there, she said no. i cried. then i told my mom it didn't even hurt getting my iv in, she told me they took all my front teeth out. i cried some more. then i came home and slept lots, then taylor came over and it gets kinda fuzzy there. basically it was a weekend full of cuddling, popsicles and movies.

2. the very next day was mine and tay's ANNIVERSARY. whaaaa??? true story. a whole year with the best boy out there. he came over with a giant box. inside i found this lovely number.

it's a photo album of the past year. there aren't tons of pictures in there but we are too caught up in having a blast than picture taking. but we are doing better!:) i cried a little. and a little more when i looked through it alone...

wait. there was more. 

a big, orange box full of sexy.   

the sickest pair of nike frees. boyfriend of the year? i think so. 

we went to the host after and then the waffle truck. then we came home and  fell asleep for a little. perfect day with the perfect boy. 

3. a few days later i went and spent money. lots of it. 

i got tay a really sick pair of sunglasses, a maxi, super cute knuckle rings you find on pinterest, an awesome pair of leggings, and the best face wash out there. i am officially a LUSH cosmetics fan. my pores have never been cleaner or smaller. thankfully, my skin is darker so i can sorta hide stuff a little more but if you really look, you'll see. but now i dare you to try to find my pores. i dare you. 

au natural

no makeup. no nothin! i feel like a real girl now that i've discovered the true importance of toner. here's to summery, flawless skin!

4. today, taylor came over to look at my car because he's a doll and petunia has been having issues. #prayforpetunia lets hope she can make it. then because i'm a fat kid, i asked to go to lunch. guess where we ended up. CAFE RIO! clearly, my boyfriend is grand. it was packed so we called in our order and ventured off to savers to find a clock for his cabin. but i found this little beauty..

meet our newest addition to the taylor and ali collection. a legit ONESTEP Polariod camera. how sick??? i was in love. and for only 5 bucks? yes please. we had to get back around like one ish. somehow we got home with cafe rio, a clock, a camera, a leather jacket, purse and backpack all on a bike. oh, we also had drinks. it was quite the adventure. 

also, taylor's bike rocks my socks off. i kinda love the whole lover with a bike thing. 

i win. no really, i really win.

i walked into my seminary class the first day of senior year and did the usual scope. i was a little disappointed in  the lack of senior boys.. or seniors for that matter. it was full of sophomores. i'm pretty sure i checked the roll about 7 times to be absolutely positive i was in that class. i was. 

so i sat in the back, and rarely talked. i didn't care. i was over it all. i just needed to graduate from seminary and move on with my life. little did i know that there was some sophomore i'd fall head over heels for. 

first semester goes by and nothing really happened. he was this chirpy sophomore who would ALWAYS raise his hand and offer to do the devotional in seminary and i  sat in the back, when i would go. 

the semester ends and i decide that it would be a great idea to take the AP spanish test. half way through the year. eh why not? my counselor made it sound like it was going to be impossible to get into that spanish class that late into the year, but i knew i was in. no prob. but with a spanish class, i needed to switch my seminary class. so i showed up to my seminary class and there he was again. the same sophomore. i walked into spanish and hello, there he was AGAIN. this kid was everywhere. aaaaand it didn't hurt that he was super cute. 

it didn't take long before we started being nice to each other. but being the bad ass senior girl, i never really went to class. mostly because i knew i could get away with literally anything i wanted that year. so i never went. it took even less time before he started to call me out on it. eventually, we started talking a lot more. like all day. until 10:30. and i was never quite sure why, i just assumed sophomores had their bed times.

the rest is really history. he saved me from a million golf fish, kissed my forehead, and held my hand. and here we are, a little over a year and i'm still convinced i won the boyfriend lottery. 

it's not fair.

all i want is for them to look at me and say 

"hey kid. you aren't as worthless as we thought. you're a decent person."

that's all i really want from them. their unconditional love and support. 

i want to be accepted as my own person with my own life to lead. 

not be constantly rejected by the people who are supposed to cheer me on. 

they'll never see this.. and i guess that means they'll never really know anything. i just want them to tell me they love me.

we are NOT friends.

most people can go over to the neighbors house and borrow a cup of milk. 

heck, i was at taylor's one day when the neighbor kids came over with arm fulls of grocieries. 

i don't dare ask my neighbor for ANYTHING. she's sort of this bitter, angry monstrosity of evil in a 110 pound woman. POST PREGNANCY.  you would think so much negative energy would kill such a small person, and you'd also think that she'd have ugly kids because she's such a monster. but no, her kids are cute as heck. maybe it's kitty cat corner neighbors that are horrid because our real neighbor is a peach. he keeps to himself and it's great. but this lady is awful. i have a certain parking spot on the west side of the covered spots. it stays shaded a little longer and when AC isn't a luxury i have, the longer my car can stay out of the sun, the better. but the thing is i live on the east side of the spots. so yesterday when i pulled in, she glared me down, poked her head around the corner to check if the other spots were taken and then glared again. and the first thing i wanted to say went something along the lines of "um, excuse me? do you own the UNCOVERED parking spots? no? i didn't think so." then i thought of maybe killing her with kindness and smiling whenever she looks at me, but i hate her. 

simply said, we are NOT friends. nor will i ever try to be. 

and my down stairs neighbor is also crazy. she's this morbidly obese woman who can't make it to her car without a walker. she also drives to the trash can. the way i like to clean my house is by singing ridiculously off pitch to loud music, shaking my butt and dancing around in my sports bra. this ritual doesn't start until like 12. and guess who called MY MOTHER to complain about it all.. my lovely neighbor. she can't sleep due to my inconsiderate music levels. it's noon...? i don't hate this woman, but i am sort of angry.

i cannot wait to move and get away from skinny monster face and down stairs neighbor.