Post D-Day

I'm not sure what to think right now.. I totally forgot about it the day of but it hit me today. And I'm not sure what I feel like right now.. I just miss my best friend right now. This is one of those times when I'd call her up and we'd head over to coffee and talk for hours and she'd always know just what to say. 

Double post because I can

Instead of waiting to process all this then make one blog post, I just have a lot to say and it's slowly but surely working it's way in my head. 

I have guaranteed admission at the U as long as I get a 2.3 gpa. Which after a traumatic last semester is going to be hard but doable. Fingers crossed. 

It's a lot of money to go to a real university. Almost twice as much as UVU.

I feel sort of like a little brat fish at UVU. Kind of like "get out of my way. I've been here for years and I'm over it" but at the U I feel like an itty bitty fish in this huge tank full of graduate students. Kinda like the goldfish at Walmart. There are so many and you blink and never see the same one again. But really everyone that I'm going to class with is undergrad but I'm still intimidated. 

Plans always change. At UVU I'm a political sciene major with an emphasis in international relations and a minor in Spanish. At the U I'd be an international politics major, international studies major AND Spanish minor. Well that's a mouthful. But for a few extra classes I guess it's worth double majoring right? 

Goodbye Utah county

You know you're in Utah county when... 1. you walk down the halls of a university and there are at least 15 people wearing BYU shirts (and you aren't even on BYU campus) 

2. The guy covered in tattoos is getting started at down the hall.

3. Wedding rings left and right. 

You know you've left Utah county when...

1. There are people smoking on campus 

2. High waisted pants, short skirts and high knee socks are the norm

3. The hallways smell like coffee 

4. Hairy men left and right. 

I think I just might love the salty city

so much

it's amazing how much there can be in 3 pages of paper. 

my patriarchal blessing is 3 pages long and when i stumble across it from time to time i read it and i bawl. every.single.time. 

when i'm in an insecure place in life, it always reminds me that there is someone that loves me and knows who i am. there are things in there that are INCREDIBLE. there is no doubt in my mind that my blessing is mine. and no one elses. i haven't let anyone ever read any part of it.. i've shared itty bitty pieces with one of my best friends and that's it. i don't cry too often when i read or watch movies, but this gets me every single time and i love it.. someday i might just share it a little bit more.. 

come what may and love it.

i still don't think i'm quite ready to say that it's all true, but i do love it.. 

Too much too soon

Sometime s I have way too much time on my hands and I start thinking of all the possible things that could go wrong with everything that's up in the air for next year. 

What happened if I don't get into either school..? What then? My entire life literally over and  then  I lose it all...what next? When these sort of things start creeping into my head I can't help but get this knot in my stomach and my throat gets all tight and then I realize no one gets to luck out of "that feeling" when  applying to school. I guess I did last year but that's not where I want to be so I guess it's my turn now. Now I apply and hopelessly wait and break out because that's what happenes when I stress. 

leave me here to die.

i guess it's my fault. 

i did wait until the last minute to figure out my assignment due tomorrow at 8 am. but i figured the last one wasn't too hard and i didn't get slaughtered too badly that it'd be okay. 

boy oh boy. 

two pages (which is really just a single spaced page. thank god for double spacing) on East Timor and the UN involvement. 

 you say Timor, i think Lion King

when really it's a country. 

i just wanna sleep and be left alone really. 

so consider this my apology if i was rude to anyone today or if i seemed short and interested. i'm just stressed and grouchy. 

cleansing.

there is something really comforting about opening up a sparring bag and smelling your gear for the first time in months. it's a little like plastic and sweat and home...

sparring is home. 

i went back today to my old studio and sparred for the first time in months and boy oh boy was it good to be back. those were the longest 3 minutes of my life. 

but... it felt a little weird too. sort of like i had outgrown the place. it was comforting but i just didn't fit in like i once did. it's was pleasant validation that quitting was the right thing to do.

taekwondo did so much for me and it will forever have a special place in my heart, but it's okay to move on and not have everything figured out. it's okay to outgrow dreams and make new ones.